Finding Space

I moved in to his place in September and completely out of my place in November.  

I got rid of most of my furniture, only keeping a few pieces I love.  I put up a lot of my artwork to make it feel more like “my place” too.

I lived alone for almost 7 years.  I moved in to a home with 3 other people living there, plus a couple of others coming in and out.   I set up a few altars around the house to make it feel homier.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t seem to focus on my coaching practice or my writing practice or my creative practice.  Finally, in a conversation with my best friend the other day, I put my finger on the issue.  I haven’t been able to find my space.  Space in our home to write or create; space in the coaching world – what do I have to offer that is unique; space in my brain to focus on more than one thing at a time.

I guess I wasn’t thinking about the challenges involved with moving into someone else’s space, someone else’s life…just the good part of being together.

It’s been seven months and I’m still trying to find my space in all of this. 

Don’t get me wrong, there is no place I would rather be but it’s harder than I imagined to find my space, my rhythm, my mojo, my motivation, when there are always people around.  Maybe it’s my tendency to procrastinate, maybe it’s my tendency to be easily distracted, maybe it’s because I’ve been so focused on making this relationship work and my busy teaching schedule that I just want to chill out when I’m home.  Or maybe, it’s all of these things combined with the need to find space.

Since I moved in, I’ve tried hard not to disrupt the rhythm of everyone else in the house.  I want to be accommodating to his work schedule, working overnight and then napping throughout the day.  I try to be quiet when I come home between teaching and read or play on my phone.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to spend my down time.  I guess I’d liken it to hibernation mode.  I come home from teaching and cocoon myself on the recliner (that I have claimed as mine) and sometimes don’t move until I go back to teach.

{I wrote the first part of this post in a coffee shop one week ago.  I’m finishing this post from “my” recliner}

Lately, I’ve been getting myself out of the house and into the park for long walks.  Getting out into nature helps clear my head and also gives me some space I crave.  I’m still working on finding, or maybe it’s creating space, in our home. There’s a room in the house that I’m hoping to make a guest room/my sanctuary but right now it’s housing a pinball machine, a bunch of guitars and a storm trooper.

While writing this blog post, I realized that it's not just about finding physical space but also mental and emotional space.  I also realized this is a constant search.  It's about finding space wherever you are and sometimes making that space.  

I would love to hear your thoughts on this...

In a Funk

A couple of weeks ago, I woke up and was in a funk.  Have you ever had that happen?  If you’ve never been in a funk, good for you!  When I say a funk, I mean this general malaise, feeling down but not knowing why.  I don’t want to confuse it with depression, that’s another subject.  Basically, I woke up and could not find a smile, could not find motivation, could not find the joy that day. 

When this happens, I try to find the reasons why.  What is causing this funk?  Why can’t I pull myself out of it?  Why do I wear my emotions on my sleep?  Why can’t I just fake it until I make it? 

I examine what is going on in my life, in my friend’s lives, in the world at large.  Did I get enough sleep?  Did I have a bad dream?  What is the root cause?

The last funk had so many causes.  It started with a bad dream where I discovered my boyfriend had a fiancé.  Poor guy…I woke up pretty upset with him.  Luckily it was just a dream but it didn’t improve my mood.  All day, I was examining what could be the deeper cause. 

Perhaps it was because several friends are dealing with death and grief.  A mother gone too soon, a sister gone after a tragic life, a father teetering in between here and there, another family member taken so suddenly, family members dealing with a cancer diagnosis.  Perhaps it’s the general state of our world. 

The more I thought about it, the more I realized that there has been a lot of crazy stuff going on and it made perfect sense that the funk descended.  Now, what to do about it?  Sometimes I feel like I need to ‘fight through’ the muck and put on a happy face but does that really work…maybe, for a short period of time.  What tends to work for me, is to sit with it, be in it, work through it, take a nap, read a book, watch mindless tv…basically, don’t fight it.  I have found the more I fight it, the longer the funk lasts. 

The big lesson, I seem to have to learn over and over again, is that life will knock you off your feet and sometimes you need to lay there for a little while before getting back up.  Get back up when you’re ready, and if you need someone to help you off the floor, give me a call. 

What do you do when you get in one of these funks?  I'd love to hear what works for you!

In a Word - Love

For the past 4 years, I have chosen a word of the year.  Or more accurately the word has chosen me.  Last year my word was TRUST.  I had to learn to trust myself again; trust my instincts; trust in other people; trust in the Universe; trust that I was on the right path.  Looking back at 2014, Trust was the perfect word.  I did learn to trust my instincts, I listened to my gut (or maybe they were my angels & guides, right Grace?!) and I made some necessary changes to put myself on the right path.  I moved to a place that has opened up my social circle to include people I probably never would have met.  I've become more involved coordinating events and bringing people together, which is something I had always done but had lost that part of me for awhile.  I feel like I'm back on track.  I'm so much more comfortable in my own skin and am trusting myself and my choices. This brings me to my word for 2015, LOVE!  Again, this word has chosen me.  For awhile I wanted the word to be Abundance but nope...it kept coming back to LOVE.  Doesn't it always come back to love though?  I ended my year trying to spread more love, to myself and to others.  I'm more open...to meeting new people, trying new things, having new experiences, and most important, to finding LOVE...the romantic variety.  I am ready!  How do I know I'm ready?  Because I am really comfortable being single, I enjoy my own company, I have learned to love myself and I am taking care of myself - emotionally, financially and physically.  I don't NEED to have a partner in this life, I WANT one.  I know because I'm ready to receive love in my life.  I've been really good at giving love but found it harder to receive it.  I'm ready because I know I will choose only the best and am not willing to settle (any potential partner will choose only the best too).  I'm ready because I'm open.  Open to the possibilities, open to the disappointments, open to the good, open to the bad, and most important open to falling in love.

Yes, this will be the year of LOVE for me...and I hope for you too!