Finding Space

I moved in to his place in September and completely out of my place in November.  

I got rid of most of my furniture, only keeping a few pieces I love.  I put up a lot of my artwork to make it feel more like “my place” too.

I lived alone for almost 7 years.  I moved in to a home with 3 other people living there, plus a couple of others coming in and out.   I set up a few altars around the house to make it feel homier.

I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t seem to focus on my coaching practice or my writing practice or my creative practice.  Finally, in a conversation with my best friend the other day, I put my finger on the issue.  I haven’t been able to find my space.  Space in our home to write or create; space in the coaching world – what do I have to offer that is unique; space in my brain to focus on more than one thing at a time.

I guess I wasn’t thinking about the challenges involved with moving into someone else’s space, someone else’s life…just the good part of being together.

It’s been seven months and I’m still trying to find my space in all of this. 

Don’t get me wrong, there is no place I would rather be but it’s harder than I imagined to find my space, my rhythm, my mojo, my motivation, when there are always people around.  Maybe it’s my tendency to procrastinate, maybe it’s my tendency to be easily distracted, maybe it’s because I’ve been so focused on making this relationship work and my busy teaching schedule that I just want to chill out when I’m home.  Or maybe, it’s all of these things combined with the need to find space.

Since I moved in, I’ve tried hard not to disrupt the rhythm of everyone else in the house.  I want to be accommodating to his work schedule, working overnight and then napping throughout the day.  I try to be quiet when I come home between teaching and read or play on my phone.  I’ve been trying to figure out how to spend my down time.  I guess I’d liken it to hibernation mode.  I come home from teaching and cocoon myself on the recliner (that I have claimed as mine) and sometimes don’t move until I go back to teach.

{I wrote the first part of this post in a coffee shop one week ago.  I’m finishing this post from “my” recliner}

Lately, I’ve been getting myself out of the house and into the park for long walks.  Getting out into nature helps clear my head and also gives me some space I crave.  I’m still working on finding, or maybe it’s creating space, in our home. There’s a room in the house that I’m hoping to make a guest room/my sanctuary but right now it’s housing a pinball machine, a bunch of guitars and a storm trooper.

While writing this blog post, I realized that it's not just about finding physical space but also mental and emotional space.  I also realized this is a constant search.  It's about finding space wherever you are and sometimes making that space.  

I would love to hear your thoughts on this...

Taking it Lightly

 

Part of the reason I moved to this new apartment was to meet new people and hopefully start dating again.  Since my break up last year, I've had exactly one date who was a friend of a friend and it was clear from the get-go that neither of us had any interest.  So last weekend when I ran into one of my neighbors and he clearly expressed interest, it was refreshing and totally flattering.  We've hung out a couple of times and while there is an attraction, it won't go any further than friendship (with a bit of flirting thrown in).  Why?  Because I've made a rule that I will only get involved with someone who is totally single, already divorced or if they are separated, then it's only a matter of signing on the dotted line.  I've had a bit of experience with men who were separated but not divorced and it never ends well.  He's only recently separated and clearly not in a place to be dating, so we'll stick with rule on this one.

I'm hoping to meet more new neighbors and maybe one of them will turn out to be more than friends, we'll see.  Just the other day, one of the girls in the leasing office mentioned that maybe I should get lost on the fourth floor because someone new moved in that I might be interested in.  Haven't met him yet but I may just have to hit the wrong button on the elevator.

This move has been the right one for me.  And even if my dating life doesn't improve, that's ok, my social life has and spending time with friends is way more important anyway.  Although I think I may wander up to the fourth floor just for fun.

Settling In

 

It's been a really long time since I've written here.  There are various reasons for the absence, one of which is that I moved and have been settling in to my new home.  It is totally the opposite of where I lived before.  From a 100+ year old house to a brand new apartment.  You would think it would be challenging getting used to all the new sights and sounds.  Some of my neighbors are loud but somehow I find that comforting.  I was a bit isolated in my old house which is exactly what I needed at the time.  Now, the social aspect of this new home is exactly what I need.  I'm loving all of the great amenities here and my apartment is beautiful and I'm slowly meeting new people.  I'm within walking distance of work and the pub and the coffee shop...convenient to everything.  There's still a lot of construction going on so I've gotten used to their 6am start time.  I figure the earlier they start the quicker they'll be done.  I overlook the pool which is going to be beautiful...when its finished!

Moving can be stressful, which it definitely was for the first couple of weeks.  Now I'm loving it but I'm still trying to find my rhythm.  It seems that I can only focus on one big goal at a time.  The past 2 months, I've been focused on my health and fitness.  I have totally neglected my writing.  I'm even enrolled in an amazing course, The Conscious Booksmith, that I periodically check in on but I've put off actually doing the work.  I know that I need to do the work, I'm not sure why I'm not.  I'm trying to sit with it all and not beat myself up and do what I can when I feel the time is right.  This, I'm sure you all know, is not very easy to do.

So as I sit here on my balcony, listening to various construction machinery at 7:30am, I'm just letting it all flow.  Taking one step at a time, starting now by writing this post and hoping that sparks more writing.

"We can choose to start over in this very moment, there is no need to wait for a new year or a new month or a new week." - Madisyn Taylor, Daily OM

Moving Forward...I'm Ready

Almost three years ago, I moved into this house.  I walked in and fell in love and knew I had to be here.  And for all this time, that tire swing has hung in the tree.  Then one day on a whim, I decided to look at a new place to live.  I've been feeling the pull to make a change and as soon as I saw these brand new apartments, I knew it was time.  That evening when I got home, the tire swing was on the ground, it was a sign.  This house has been a exactly what I've needed, a place where I've learned to be alone, a place where I've fallen in love and healed from heartbreak.  Now its time to move forward to a new home.  It will be the complete opposite of where I'm living now.  Going from 100+ year old house with a yard to a one bedroom brand new apartment in a big community will require some adjustment, but its time for a change.  I'm ready.

For just over a year, I've been dealing with chronic pain, starting in my low back and radiating down my left leg.  I've tried chiropractic care, massage therapy, acupuncture and even resorted to a cortisone shot but nothing has worked.  Even pain meds do nothing.  I finally relented and had an MRI to discover a herniated, bulging disc, was referred to a neurosurgeon and decided its time for surgery.  I've never had surgery nor been a big fan, but decided if it could eliminate this pain with little downside, then its time.  Time to move forward pain-free, I'm ready.

Exactly one year ago today, I met him.  What a difference a year has made.  He helped me re-open my heart, broke it wide open and now I'm ready to move forward, find love again.  I actually have a date tonight.  It seems weird on this day but its time to start again.  No longer afraid to fall and get hurt because I know I can get back up.  I'm ready.

I'm ready...to start again, for little changes and big ones too, to move forward.

Slowing it down a bit

This is Allie post-surgery wearing her collar.  You should have seen the first collar they gave us, it was 2.5" bigger than this one.  Poor thing couldn't do anything in it.  This one keeps her from licking her incision but she can still function fairly normally.

Last Wednesday, I discovered blood in Allie's urine which would be the 3rd time that's happened.  The first two times we treated her with antibiotics and she was better for a little while.  This time, my vet suggested x-rays to see if she had stones in her bladder.  Sure enough that's what it was and they were able to take her in for surgery on Friday.  Now I did not want to go the surgery route but looking at months of pain if we tried to dissolve it by changing her diet versus a week of discomfort, I did what I thought was best.  And once I saw the stone they removed, I was glad we went this route...it was huge!

Allie's surgery has slowed us both down a bit.  All my plans for the weekend were immediately cancelled and the two of us have cozied up at home for a bit of rest and recovery.  There are so many things that need to get done, shopping for Christmas gifts, getting ready for my trip to LA, but there is nothing more important right now that making sure Allie gets better.  Yes, I am still leaving for LA on Wednesday but by then she should almost be done with her meds and feeling close to normal.  Lucky for me I have the best cat sitters in the world, Zoe & Bob, who will take great care of her...even though I do feel guilty for leaving.

If you had asked me seven years ago, if I would ever think of a pet like my family, I probably would have said, are you nuts?  I grew up with pets who would arrive one day and be gone a short time later so I never had that bond.  When my friends would talk about their pets and what they would do for them, I didn't get it.  I thought they were a bit crazy, but now, I'm part of that group.  One of those people who treats their pet like their child.  Yup that's me...one of the crazy ones...and I wouldn't trade if for anything.

What $5 will get you...

This morning I was up and out by around 8am.  There was an estate sale downtown that I wanted to check out.  I walked up there and was a bit disappointed with the selections so I wandered down the street for a cup of coffee.  Then on my return trip home, I noticed a yard sale at a house that just sold right down the street from me.  I was in search of a small bookcase for the kitchen and as soon as I walked up, there it was.

Exactly what I was looking for so I asked the price.  The homeowner couldn't have been any nicer and she said what will you give me?  It was marked $5 and that was more than a fair price.  Then as a bonus she offered up a gallon of paint if I wanted it, for FREE...it was called Rare Wine how could I pass it up (it was FREE).  As another bonus, she gave me a tour of the house which was adorable!

I lugged the bookcase, gallon of paint and coffee the two blocks home, stopping a few times cause it was kind of heavy.  There was contact paper on a couple of shelves which was removed in minutes of getting home, then it just needed a bit of sanding and cleaning.

Here's the bookcase after sanding and removal of the contact paper.

Now add a bit of that Rare Wine paint and below is the almost finished product after 2 coats of paint.  It needs a bit of touch up and the bottom still needs to be done but I'll let it dry over night before applying more paint.

For $5.00, I got a brand new bookcase that was EXACTLY what I had in mind.  Of course, taking on this little project put a few things that needed to get done on the back burner, namely house cleaning and lawn mowing.  Sometimes though you have to put aside those mundane chores to do something a little creative.  And boy did I need that!

Home

I am still without internet access at home so I have to sneak on here and there.  The house is coming together although I haven't done much since Mom & Paul left on Monday.  Things will get done in due time.  This week has involved alot of running around.  Actually so far the month of May has felt like a race, although I'm not sure where I think I need to get so fast.  I'm trying to slow down and catch myself when I get too caught up in the crazy.

I love my little cottage.  All of the floors are slanted and creak even when Allie walks on them.  The old fireplaces, even though they don't work, need to be cleaned out before I can open them up...or I will find little soot prints everywhere.  Still a few boxes to unpack and stuff to put away, although I have no idea where.

There are lots of stories living in this little charming cottage, I really wish the walls could talk.  Everyone comments on the good energy.  I am so grateful to have found this place I now call home.  Thank you Susie for telling me about it.

If you need a little get-away, come visit, everyone is welcome here.

**I hope to be back with more regular posts as soon as internet is up and running at home.  I must say I have enjoyed the time with limited technology though.**