Taking Notice

When I lived in the apartment, I didn't have enough wall space to hang all of my artwork so some of it stayed in boxes for over a year.  As I was unpacking when I moved into this lovely house, I thought there was no way I would have room to hang it all this time either.  I did pass on a few pieces but have been able to find space for every piece of art.

The piece above, by the lovely and talented Kelly Barton, was hanging in my apartment but in my guest room so I didn't see it every day.  Now it is hanging in my bedroom where I look at it everyone morning when I wake up and every evening when I go to bed.  This was one of the first pieces of original art I bought for myself so it has some real sentimental value to me and I absolutely adore it.  But...until I hung it up in my bedroom and was lying in bed staring at the wall, cause I don't have cable tv anymore and what else do you do with your time, I had never noticed the two 4's in the painting.  Now you may know I turned 44 this year and I've been really pondering on why it feels so significant to me.  Then I see these two 4's and reread the message on the painting, "the girl struggled to begin, she wasn't ready for what lay ahead".

Maybe thats it.

I've made some big changes in the last month or so but I know there are more to come.  Or maybe its just that I'm taking more notice of the things around me.  Really looking at the things, people and relationships in my life and seeing them for the first time.  Taking the time to stop and look and really see.

Since May was all about running around and just getting things done.  Maybe June is all about slowing down and taking notice.  Hmmmm....I think I like that idea.

Clean Slate

Whew...I survived the month of May.

May is my favorite month and least favorite month all rolled into one.  Its the 'unofficial' start of Summer, the weather starts warming up (although the 90's was not quite what I had in mind), its my birthday month, people are out and about more and seem happier.  But its also the month that marks the anniversary of my brother's death so its a bit of a double-edged sword this month of May.  This May happened to have been extremely topsy-turvy.  There was the big move (although if you look at my new place you would think I've been here way longer than 1 month); then I started to work part-time at the family biz but picked up hours at the pilates studio; there were two graduations...Congrats to Scott and Kate...now its on to working full time and college, respectively; a couple of visitors; yard work; settling in; and relationship changes.  So you see why I said WHEW!

I have vowed that June will not be so crazy.  So I started the month by taking the morning off yesterday.  I felt like such a rebel staying in bed until 7:15 and lounging around in my pj's until late into the morning.  I was finally able to get my email set up on my home computer so now everything is in one place and import all my contacts, write some thank you notes and catch up on some blog reading.  The afternoon was spent running errands but I didn't feel stressed.  It was a great way to usher in a whole new month, a clean slate....although if you really think about it every day we are given a clean slate to do with what we choose.  I may have to bookmark this to remind myself of this very point when I feel a bit out of control.

We can choose to start each day fresh (heck each hour if we want) and not constantly fall into the same patterns of craziness or stress.  Its our choice...hmmmm...what a novel idea huh?!

Reclaiming my Birthday

22 years ago, my brother John died a week before my 22nd birthday (I don't say that to garner sympathy, its just a fact).  I barely remember that birthday.  I seem to remember a small cake down at the beach but that's about it.  A few years later I was given a surprise party for my 25th then again for my 30th.  My birthday tends to fall around Memorial Day so I've spent many years at the beach sharing with the holiday.  On my 40th, I had to share a party with my brother and sister as they graduated from high school and middle school respectively.  I was happy to be part of the festivities but hey I was turning 40!  Then last year, well last year was spent in the ICU waiting room.  I enjoyed a lovely lunch with my stepmom and two brothers for which I am grateful but we still had a shadow hanging over us.

So this year, 22 years after the worst birthday EVER, I am hijacking a day in the middle of my sister's graduation weekend (thanks Sis!) and throwing myself a little party.

44 feels like its going to be a memorable year for me so why not kick it off with a little soiree...and I do mean little so sorry if you weren't invited.  Although party crashers are always welcome!

Yes this post is a little self-serving but blogs are allowed to be, right?!?

And Happy Birthday to all my Gemini friends....Jenica, Phil, Trish, Beth, Ka-Le (although you're on the cusp)....and to anyone else I forgot.  Hope this year is a memorable one for you too!

Off-Kilter

Definition:  not in perfect balance; a bit askew

I've been feeling a bit off balance the past few days.  I can't put my finger on why.

Things are good.  I'm getting settled in my new home and have turned in the keys to the old one.  I leave the house in workout clothes every day.  I'm picking up more private clients at the pilates studio.  I've been asked to coordinate an art workshop for girls.  I have all kinds of flexibility with work.  What could be wrong?

Maybe its that I may have a mouse in the house and while one mouse I can live with...a family of them...not so much.

Maybe its that I am busier now than I was while working full time and the month of May has really flown by.

Maybe its that I did yardwork on Saturday and am feeling sore in places I haven't in ages.

Maybe its that while I know the light overpowers the dark, I need to be ok with a little dark once in awhile.

Maybe its that May is always a tough month.

Maybe its that my birthday is coming up and I'm turning 44...nah, I like birthdays and I don't feel my age...can't be that!

Whatever "IT" is, I need to be OK with not being ok all the time.  This too shall pass, I need to let go of trying to fix it.

Embracing the Light

This weekend, I attended a seminar given by Patricia Cota-Robles entitled "Taking Charge of Your Life".  I've been following Patricia for a few years but this is the first time she has offered a seminar here and it was free so I had to attend.

There was alot of information given at this seminar....information on how we have gotten ourselves into the mess we are in and what we need to do to get out of it.  It was a bit overwhelming so I won't go into too many details here, but if you get a chance to hear Patricia speak, its worth it.

One of the things I took away from the day, is that the light is so much more powerful than the dark.  We did several guided meditations to make our light brighter and to create a 'force field' of light around us to help fend off the negativity.  I have felt much more aware of any negative energy that comes my way and have easily avoided it since then.

There was so much more that I took away from this seminar but I'm still trying to figure out how to communicate it here.  I do know that there is so much negative energy making its way to the surface at record speeds and I do believe that we do not have to buy into the negativity.  We do not have to listen to the news and surround ourselves with negative people.  We have a choice in how we react to what we see and hear.  I do believe that love and light will save our world...if we all join together.

Home

I am still without internet access at home so I have to sneak on here and there.  The house is coming together although I haven't done much since Mom & Paul left on Monday.  Things will get done in due time.  This week has involved alot of running around.  Actually so far the month of May has felt like a race, although I'm not sure where I think I need to get so fast.  I'm trying to slow down and catch myself when I get too caught up in the crazy.

I love my little cottage.  All of the floors are slanted and creak even when Allie walks on them.  The old fireplaces, even though they don't work, need to be cleaned out before I can open them up...or I will find little soot prints everywhere.  Still a few boxes to unpack and stuff to put away, although I have no idea where.

There are lots of stories living in this little charming cottage, I really wish the walls could talk.  Everyone comments on the good energy.  I am so grateful to have found this place I now call home.  Thank you Susie for telling me about it.

If you need a little get-away, come visit, everyone is welcome here.

**I hope to be back with more regular posts as soon as internet is up and running at home.  I must say I have enjoyed the time with limited technology though.**

The Day After

Dishes and glasses are put away, bedroom is in some semblance of order but the guest room...total disaster...and for the moment, I am ok with that.

Mantra for today:  One minute, one box, one step at a time.

Slowing Down

The beginning of May has been a whirlwind of activity.  May 1st was spent running around briefly visiting friends who were in town from PA then off to VA for a family gathering celebrating my Aunts birthday.  May 2nd was spent running down to Greensboro to sell my china then back to Durham for lunch with a friend then running some errands then to the pilates studio, to the new house, then back to the studio for a private and off to the apartment to pack.  May 3rd was spent running to get some work done, back to the new house to finish the paint, to the pilates studio, Lowes, then home to attempt to finish packing.  So far, May has been about frenzied activity.

Today I am choosing to s l o w  d o w n.

Yes, I was up and down all night with thinking about the move and then the wicked thunderstorms and rain kept waking me up.  When I finally decided to quit fighting and just get up, I snuck on to FB and found a podcast by Marianne Williamson.  I listened as I puttered around and it gave me a sense of peace.  I can choose to react however I want.  I can get caught up in the frenzy or enjoy the ride (that was not her message but that is what I chose to take from it at this moment).

Yes, the movers will be here in about an hour but I have packed all I will pack for now.  They will take all the boxes and furniture and clothes in the closets and move them to my new home.  I will come back here later to get Allie and some other stuff I need.  But I don't have to vacate the apartment until May 31st, so why am I in such a rush?  I think it has to do with all of the changes I have been making in my life the past few months.  Maybe if I keep rushing I'll get "there" faster.  When will I learn?  Its one day at a time, every day is part of the journey and the path can veer in different directions.  So slow down and really enjoy each day.  Quit rushing to the next thing.  Let go.

Today I choose to slow down.  What will you choose today?

Stuff, Stuff and More Stuff!

How can one person possibly accumulate so much stuff?

I was just packing my closet and had a little meltdown...ok...I really just sat there muttering to myself...'it is ridiculous how much stuff I have'...over and over again.  Its crazy.  I purge stuff on a pretty regular basis, I've been selling a few things on ebay, and have already taken a carload to Goodwill.  And yet...still more stuff.

I admire those people who have pared down their possessions to 100 things.  I think I would need a professional organizer to help me get to that point because obviously I have a problem doing it on my own.

Ok enough of my whining...back to packing!

Morning Zen

My new lease starts today and I move later this week.  But before moving, i just had to paint that master bedroom.  Could you imagine waking up every day to that bright yellow?  Talk about a wake up call.  So yesterday I spent the afternoon painting it Morning Zen...yes that is the color name.  I got a late start and had a few visitors throughout the day but I got the main room done.  There is a little entryway that still needs paint and some touch up but when you hit that wall, you just have to stop.

I've never thought of painting as meditation but thats what it was for me.

Here are a few more photos of the inside of the house.  Will have to get some exterior shots next time.

I AM - the documentary

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeqB8JwpdE4&w=640&h=390] This week I happened to be home one afternoon before heading to pilates and turned on the Oprah show to see who her guest was.  It was this hollywood director, Tom Shadyac, talking about living his truth, moving out of his huge mansion into a double-wide trailer and making this documentary.  He was searching for what was wrong in the world and as you can see from the trailer found out what's right.  This interview really touched something in me.  And as you may know from my last post, I quit my job.  It had been rolling around in my head for a quite awhile but I couldn't pull the trigger.  After watching this interview, the voice got louder and more persistent so a day or two later, I had the conversation about leaving the family business.

Its a powerful thing when you can share with others who may be questioning their path and they see you make a change.  Maybe you give them a little bit of courage to really live their truth.  Or you watch a video like the one above and it touches someone's life.  I often wonder about this blog and if anyone is listening or reading and then I get a comment that makes me realize why I do write here.

There was another group on Oprah that day called Invisible Children.  Its a group that was formed by 3 guys who travelled to Africa and discovered some horrible atrocities and  they are doing something about it through their non-profit.  Tomorrow, April 25th, they are asking for everyone to observe 25 hours of silence to end 25 years of war and to raise $25.  I don't think I can observe the 25 hours of silence but am committed to donating $25.  If you feel so moved, you can donate or raise $25 too.  After watching their video, you will be compelled to do something.

Leap of Faith

Today I effectively 'quit' my job.  This is weird to say because I work in our family business.  How do you quit your family business?  Well if you no longer feel you're a fit, then you just make the decision to do it.  Oh yeah like it was that easy. It's taken me a long time to make the break.  A few months ago I went part-time (30 hours/week) but that was just an interim step.  I knew I needed to do this but its so much safer to stay.  I mean a guaranteed paycheck, health insurance and other benefits of being in a family business...not so easy to give up.

I don't have another 'job' to go to.  I don't want to work for someone else.  Its time for me to figure out my path.

Now I'll have more time to finish my pilates certification and focus my energy on what I really want to do when I grow up.

Its time to take a leap of faith...and just hope the net will appear.

I Am

Warm wind blowing
Bird Sitting, Staring
Wanting to tell me something
What is it I ask
Tears come to my eyes
He's staring right at me
Seeing me, hoping I can see me too
I do see the beauty in me
My kindness, my strength
and yet
why is there fear to admit these things -
the need to apologize.
I'm not saying I'm better than
or prettier than or smarter than
or stronger than.
Just that I AM ME
Perfectly Imperfect.

Solitude

I will be spending time by the sea doing some soul searching.  I have no agenda, no plans, no expectations no one to answer to but me.  This will be my first vacation completely alone and I sure hope I like my company.

We'll see what comes of this time away.

I'm not sure when I'll be back in this space and what I will have to share.  I want to Thank You for your comments on my last post ~ they were so thoughtful and supportive.  I appreciate it more than you know.  And if you didn't see my update, I did get the house to rent starting May 1st and I am so excited!

I hope that whatever you are wishing, dreaming, manifesting, comes true for you.

Manifesting

Do you ever wake up at 4am with an idea in your head and you must do something about it that.very.minute?  Happened to me this morning.  I just had to grab my computer do a little search, buy a couple website domain names and then after said purchase try to fall back asleep only to question whether I spelled empower with an 'n' instead of 'm' in the name.  I spelled it correctly.  I'm not sure where I am going with this or what I will do with the web address, but it was one of those things I just HAD to do.  So I will sit with it, although I already have a couple of ideas brewing, and see what comes up.

Now to the original intent of this post.  As you may be aware, I was all set to buy a house that I wrote about here on my blog.  I put it out there, I wrote down what I wanted in the house and then I found a house.  It wasn't exactly as I pictured it but it was pretty close.  I 'manifested' this house, so I moved forward because I got what I wanted I did my due diligence...had inspection after inspection, got windows priced and cabinets priced and even got an architect to draw up some renovations.  Then I started looking at the money flying out the window.  I had a realization...this was too much house for me.  Too much of a project, too much money, too big a house, it had taken on a life of its own and was no longer my project but everyone's project.  And I backed out.  I did not come by this decision easily.  I was actually quite stressed, but about the wrong things.  I knew deep down that I was making the right decision NOT to buy this house, but I worried that I would disappoint everyone else.  I already had a mortgage in place and the closing set.  What would they think?  She's a flake, she doesn't know what she wants...you know all the self doubt that creeps in.  Of course everyone just wanted what was best for me and no one called me a flake...well at least not to my face.

I still need to find a place to live because this apartment is not a good environment.  The slamming doors, barking dogs and screaming neighbors has gotten too much.  So I've taken a step back and started looking for rental homes.  I go on craigslist daily and check the realtor websites.  There are a ton of rental homes, most are out of my price range, and the one's in my price range are typically townhomes or duplexes.  I've looked at a couple of those but nothing really inspired me.  So I was talking to my friend Barb the other night (Monday to be exact) and I told her I really wished I could find something with character like my apartment I had in Malvern.  Oh how I loved that apartment.  It was in an old building that used to be a library.  It had super high ceilings, beautiful old (and drafty) windows, an exposed brick wall and the back door had one of those bars to open it...like the ones in schools.  It was charming.  I told her that's what I was looking for around here.  On Wednesday, one of the Pilates teachers was in the studio and told me about a place for rent down the street from her...which happens to be on the same street I was going to buy the house...just closer into town.  So as soon as I finished at the studio I headed over that way to check out the house and get the phone number.  It was a little cottage with a big yard but I didn't notice anything too remarkable.  It was in the right location and was cute so I called.

I pulled into the driveway behind the landlord's car and noticed a little sticker on his car..."Who is John Galt?".  Well I immediately had a good feeling.  I walked in to the house and it had charm....loads and loads of it.  It also had a bathroom off the kitchen and very little closet space but it had character.  Built in 1902, it has hardwood floors and 2 fireplaces (they don't work but still), it has a really nice yard and a TIN roof!  I know...you all want to come over on a rainy day and take a nap listening to the rain on the tin roof.  Oh and the woman who owns the house, her brother is the one who is managing it, is a yoga instructor AND artist!  So...needless to say, I told him I want the house.  It is perfect, well ok there is the problem of the closets, and my dining room table will have to be sold, but it really is what I pictured.  I'm waiting for a call today to get confirmation it is mine (fingers crossed), but I'm already thinking about where to place furniture and how to solve the closet situation.

And to think all you have to do is ask for what you want (oh and you are allowed to change your mind).  Who knew?

*********

UPDATE:  The house is MINE May 1st!!!

Quiet

I may have been quiet over here, but I've been busy.

Working on me.

Letting go of those patterns that no longer serve me (or at least trying to).

Letting go of keys to my past.

Letting go of Facebook.  I do miss my connections there but I don't miss the time sap.  I had no control when it came to FB, so it was time to take a break (I only disabled my account, haven't had the courage to cancel it all together).

Letting go of stuff...lots and lots of stuff.  Yard sales are hard work but its good to see your stuff go to someone else who will enjoy it...or, in some cases, hoard it which kind of creeped me out.  The stuff that didn't sell went to charity.  I am on a roll purging stuff.  I even got rid of some old yearbooks and thinking I may just get rid of all of them.  I have kids books that I am holding on to, why?  I think they are next to go...to the library or some other charity.

There is alot of stuff from my past that I've been holding on to.  The "things" are just symbols of that.  Its time to let them go and move forward.

I'm still trying to figure out my path but hopefully letting go will help make the way a little clearer.

And the Winner is....

As promised, after selecting a random number between 1 and 14 (thank you Zoe)...our winner is comment #8 from SimplyBlythe.

Please send me an email at melissa52767@yahoo.com with your snail mail address and this little packet of goodies pictured above will be on their way to you.

Thank you all for the great ideas to incorporate into the new studio space!