State of Confusion (and Apology)

Currently living in a state of confusion

Trying to figure out what I really want

Is it this or is it that?

Am I crazy or in denial?

How do I find this balance that I am craving?

I thought I had it figured out, I thought I had it together...

Turns out, I am just living in a state of confusion.

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I would like to apologize for not announcing a winner of the giveaway.  I have not forgotten but life has been a bit topsy turvy around here and I haven't had a chance to put together the prize pack.  I promise to work on it this weekend and announce a winner on Monday.

Ch-ch-changes

Friends often marvel at how quickly I make changes in my life.  Whether it be getting a new hairstyle, which I do quite often, to buying a house in a week to jumping head first into a new relationship.  One minute I'm moving to Cali, the next I'm buying a house in NC.  One minute I'm making plans to travel cross country (which I still plan to d0) and the next I'm asking for ideas to set up an art studio in my detached garage.

I guess if you look at it you could say I'm flaky, indecisive, flighty, running, searching.  My father would say that I don't know what I want...to do with my life, be in my life...he would say I need to make a choice and stick with it.

Maybe I am always searching...to do more, to be more, to experience different things.  So last year I wanted to move to Cali, to be near my best friend and like minded souls.  This year I am buying a house in NC that needs some work.  I've always wanted to rehab a house and now is my chance to do that.

I often wonder why I do not have an aversion to change when I see so many others who really don't like it one bit.  Maybe its because of things that have happened in my life and it was just easier to embrace change than fight it.  I was talking to my brother the other day and he made the comment that I've been through a lot of crap in my life.  This isn't the first time someone has said that to me.  I often chuckle because I don't look at it that way.  Yes, my parents divorced when I was a teenager, yes we moved in the middle of high school, yes, I lost my brother way too young, yes, I went through a divorce, yes, I've moved quite a bit, changed careers, had other failed relationships...but honestly, who hasn't had a lot of crap in their lives.  I look at all of these things and see how they have shaped who I am today.  I don't wallow in the past, I look toward the future and try so very hard to live in the moment.

Maybe my life is an example of what 'not' to do...or maybe its to show that you don't have to make a choice and stick with it forever.  Its ok at age 43 to start training to teach pilates, buy a house that needs some tlc, dream of putting an art studio in your backyard.

Its ok to embrace change.

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There's still time to enter the giveaway from my previous post.  I'll choose a winner on Thursday March 3rd after the home inspection results arrive...so enter by midnight on March 2nd.

New House and a Giveaway

Last week was a bit crazy in my neighborhood.  There was a hostage situation and a guy was shot at the bank right near my apartment.  I had been looking for a new house but not really pushing it.  I figured if I put it out there and did a little looking I would find it.  But the day after all of the craziness happened, I called my girlfriend who is also my realtor and told her I need a new home soon!  I made the call from the airport as I was waiting for my flight to NYC where I was off to run with the gazelles.

On Sunday, as I was heading to brunch with the lovely gazelles, I got a text message with photos of a house that just came on the market.  It didn't have a big front porch but it did have a huge detached garage and big hardwood trees in the front and 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a big kitchen and family room and a fireplace.  So she scheduled a showing for Monday.  I knew it was the house that was meant for me, when I walked into the big detached garage (it has 2) and saw my new studio space.  Its the space I envisioned with hardwood floors and a wood stove.  Well it doesn't have those yet but its a wide open space and when I'm done, it will.

I have a lot of work to do to get the house where I want it, but I love a project and it will be fun making it mine.  Of course it helps that I'm in the building business so I already have all the subcontractors on speed dial.  And friends have already volunteered to come help.  So if anyone wants to come visit during April & May, you'll be put to work...just sayin'!

Now to the giveaway.  This is my 101st blog post, so I'm doing a giveaway.  Its going to be a smorgasbord of stuff...all fun of course...and a surprise.  Just leave a comment with one thing I should definitely consider when designing my studio space.

Running with gazelles in the city

New York City is one of my favorite places to visit.  I can wander through the streets for hours, window shopping, people watching and getting lost in the city.  Most of my trips to the city have been with one or two friends.

This time, I spent the weekend with a herd of gazelles in the city.

Strong, confident, compassionate, beautiful, creative women.

Wandering the streets, ducking into restaurants we'd never visited, snagging the best tables, enjoying good food, great beer, gelato on a cold day, long naps on a red couch, amazing conversations, connection.

Grateful for time spent running with gazelles.

While I'm Away...

I am off to the Big City to spend a weekend with several lovely friends.

While I'm away, here are few things you really must check out.

  • The lovely Stacy over at bellawish is raising funds for Wrap up Africa.  Her Be the Change necklaces are just beautiful!
  • Kelly B ~ what can I say about this girl?  She is on fire!  Check out her new website, her baubles, her artwork...so talented!
  • 31 winter poems by the lovely Dancing Mermaid ~ she is one of my favorite people evah!
  • This girl constantly makes me laugh.  Her mother is pretty amazing too!
  • Anne is always inspiring me.  Her writing just blows me away.  Is there nothing she can't do?
  • I love and adore this amazing mama!
  • I got to spend lots of time with the talented Jolie in October and she is one of the nicest people I know...and very talented!
  • Check out my BFF's latest post up at wishstudio.  Her writing constantly inspires me.

There's more great stuff out there and I wish I could share all of it with you, but I need to go pack!  Hopefully I'll have lots of good stuff to share from my weekend away...although what happens in NYC stays in NYC right?!?

Somedays...

Somedays I feel like I can't find my way in this world and other days I know exactly where I'm going.

Somedays I want to move on to the next thing but I know its all a process, a journey, but that doesn't always make it easier.

Somedays I want to curl up and hide from the world, but then I realize I have to get up eventually, so I might as well tackle each day as it comes.

Somedays I just want to settle for a new house, even if it isn't exactly what I'm looking for, just to get out of the apartment, but then I know I wouldn't be happy so I'll keep on looking.

Somedays I let fear get the best of me and Somedays I kick fear in the ass.

Somedays I wonder how I got to this place and then I realize its all about choices I have made.

Somedays I question everything but,

Every day I am so very grateful for all of it.

New Home Please

Dear Universe,

I would like a new home.  One with a big front porch, three bedrooms, two bathrooms, and lots of light.  I'd like a room where I can create.  I'd like it to be warm and cozy and  filled with lots of love (well I guess that one is up to me).  I'd like hardwood floors and granite countertops but those aren't deal breakers as I can always add them.  I would like a fireplace, gas or wood, but not electric ~ what's the point?  I don't mind if it needs to be updated, if the price is right.

Hmmmm, I'd also like a garage and a nice backyard.  Oh and if it could be in walking distance of a nice downtown area (Apex or Cary) that would be an added bonus.

I know this may be alot to ask but I've found that if you don't ask, you definitely don't get.  And last but not least, I need to find it before the end of March (and be able to move in to it by end of May) so I can give notice on my apartment.

Thank you so much for your assistance.  I look forward to finding this home very soon!

Yours truly,

Melissa P

Our Divine Courage, Freedom and Light!

WE HAVE NOT COME TO TAKE PRISONERS

We have not come here to take prisoners, But to surrender ever more deeply To freedom and joy.

We have not come into this exquisite world To hold ourselves hostage from love.

Run my dear, From anything That may not strengthen Your precious budding wings.

Run like hell my dear, From anyone likely To put a sharp knife Into the sacred, tender vision Of your beautiful heart.

We have a duty to befriend Those aspects of obedience That stand outside of our house And shout to our reason "O please, O please, Come out and play."

For we have not come here to take prisoners Or to confine our wondrous spirits,

But to experience ever and ever more deeply Our divine courage, freedom and Light!

~ Hafiz, from "The Gift"

Diverse Interests

  • Politics and art
  • Fashion and Economics
  • International affairs and local interests
  • Healthy living and being a couch potato
  • Watching stupid TV shows and listening to NPR

I've always been someone who wants to learn and experience everything.  I like listening to all different types of music from country to rock to classical to pop; watching good movies and bad tv; eating healthy and munching on chips; flipping through Glamour magazine and reading The Economist.

Some people may think I can't figure out what to do with my life so I'm constantly searching.  That may be true, but I just think I want to be an interesting well rounded person.  I may or may not be succeeding at that but I'm enjoying the learning.

Aspirations

I used to have to set goals in my previous job (which I always put off) but I've never been fond of setting them in my personal life.  For some reason, this year I want to write down my 'goals' for the year.  So I looked up 'goals' and the synonyms in the dictionary, I choose to call them Aspirations instead.  Goals sound so corporate to me.  Aspirations sound more dreamy and artsy.

My Aspirations for 2011

  • buy a house
  • finish my pilates training (600 hours is alot)
  • buy a Canned Ham
  • create something, anything, every week (every day is just too ambitious for me)
  • write the book on sibling grief (this one is going to be hard)
  • try, try, try to stay present (this one may be harder than the book)
  • read all the books on my nightstand (The Artist's Way, life is a verb, The Shadow Effect, Anam Cara, To Bless the Space Between Us, and Women Who Run with the Wolves) a bit of light reading don't ya think?
  • send more snail mail
  • spend more time by the Sea

This is not a 'must do' list, so I'm sure it will evolve over the year, some things getting done, others being pushed back or changed, new things added and some of them removed.  An ever evolving list of aspirations.

If you have a list of aspirations, goals, dreams....whatever you choose to call them....please feel free to share them here.

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Since everyone is questioning canned ham...here is a canned ham...http://cosprings.craigslist.org/rvs/2114485676.html

 

Be.Here.Now

Don't focus too much on the future and

Don't live in the past.

Be in this moment.

So hard

And yet sometimes so easy.

Plan for the future but

Don't lose sight of today.

Life is short but

plan as if you'll live forever.

Save for tomorrow but

Live for today.

No wonder we're all a little crazy.

Trust and Balance part 2

Trust that I am exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Trust others to do the things I feel I'm the only one qualified to do (you know like laundry, dishes, etc. ~ important things).

Trust that when people offer help that they want to help me and I'm not being an imposition.

Trust my gut...its always right anyway.

Trust that it will all get done, exactly as it's supposed to and when the time is right.

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Balance love life, 'me' time and time with friends.

Balance play with work.

Balance dreams with realism.

Balance control and letting go.

Trust and Balance

I've been thinking about my word for 2011 but instead of one, I had two words come to me.

trust: a:assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something; b : one in which confidence is placed

balance: mental and emotional steadiness

I have been trying to write this post for 2 days now.  What do I want to say about these two words?  Why are these the words I have chosen for 2011?  I've decided that I am obviously having a little struggle with putting the reasons for choosing these words into a post.  So I am going to sit with it for a little longer and hopefully I'll be better able to share.

In the meantime, if you haven't checked out my BFF's website lately, she is doing a giveaway each day in January, check it out!  She also has a new column over at wishstudio.  Such a busy bee!

I just read this post by Marianne and I love it!  Just perfect.

Check out the lovely Pixie's latest creations.  I bought one and can't wait to add more totems to it!  And I received one of her paintings for Christmas and just love it!

And last but not least, if you haven't been (or even if you have) to Squam Art Workshops, check it out.  Lots of great teachers, fun classes and amazing souls.  If you can go, do it!

It looks like everyone is jumping right in to 2011...lots of great stuff!

Happy New Year

Happy New Year!  I am still working on my word, my goals, my vision for 2011.

While I'm working on that I thought I'd share a few photos from my week away.  Of course I had to take photos of the ocean because that is the place I feel most at peace.  I'd tell you where these were taken but some of my family would be upset with me...since I didn't stop and visit (hope they don't read this ;)).

I'll be back soon with more fun for 2011!

Reflections

Dear 2010,

I had high hopes that we would have a wonderful time together.  For the first few months, things were going along fairly well.  I was enjoying our winter and then you had to go and throw a bit of heartache my way.  I seem to remember crying for about two weeks straight but then I decided it was time to move on.

In May, a trip to NYC to see the Dalai Lama brought me back to center and I knew things could only get better.  The summer brought trips to the beach in Florida and California and a reminder that I need more time with the ocean.

Ah September, after May, you are my favorite month.  This year brought a trip to Maine with my BFF, where we ate some of the best food ever, including a lobster roll that was to die for.  Then it was off to New Hampshire and Squam Art Workshops.  Squam is where I can explore my creative side and where every year I connect with like minded souls.  This year was super fun with Band Camp at Squam and the ukulele concert.  How do you top that?  Well...you go to the Squam by the Sea!  I know I've said this before but that time in the Outer Banks was a transformative experience.  During my time by the sea, I connected with the most amazing, beautiful souls and we each held open our hearts and shared an experience that still has us all glowing.  Conversations around a bonfire or the kitchen island and some late into the night, where we opened up more than I think most of us expected.

I can't stop gushing about that time by the sea because on one afternoon sitting in the sun, I wrote my intention to find love.  I knew he was out there and would find me and he would possess the qualities I was looking to find and I knew it would be soon.  I didn't realize it would happen a week later!

So 2010, you've provided a lot of good experiences and some great ones!  I had plans to move across the country, but you threw me a curve ball that has me thinking of just moving into a house nearby.  2011 has a lot to live up to and I know there will ups and downs but I have a feeling that you, 2010, have laid the foundation for a new year full of great experiences to come.

Thanks for a great ride, even if it was a little bumpy along the way!

Merry Christmas

“The manner of giving is worth more than the gift.” ― Pierre Corneille

Allie and I wish you and yours a very Merry Christmas!  I did not keep up with my daily photos but this one was too good not to share.

I tried shooing Allie off the table but instead she climbed in the box and "hid" from me.

Hopefully I'll have another post before the new year but if not...Happy New Year!  Thank you for visiting and supporting me here.  I am planning some good stuff for 2011, so plan on stopping by.

Day 12

I had all good intentions of posting daily but between being under the weather and a weekend of pilates training, I'm a little behind.  So instead of beating myself up, I'll post 2 today and see how it goes from here.

These storm clouds looked ominous and I wish they brought snow.  Instead we got alot of rain and now REALLY, REALLY COLD weather!  Is it summer yet?!?!