Settling In

 

It's been a really long time since I've written here.  There are various reasons for the absence, one of which is that I moved and have been settling in to my new home.  It is totally the opposite of where I lived before.  From a 100+ year old house to a brand new apartment.  You would think it would be challenging getting used to all the new sights and sounds.  Some of my neighbors are loud but somehow I find that comforting.  I was a bit isolated in my old house which is exactly what I needed at the time.  Now, the social aspect of this new home is exactly what I need.  I'm loving all of the great amenities here and my apartment is beautiful and I'm slowly meeting new people.  I'm within walking distance of work and the pub and the coffee shop...convenient to everything.  There's still a lot of construction going on so I've gotten used to their 6am start time.  I figure the earlier they start the quicker they'll be done.  I overlook the pool which is going to be beautiful...when its finished!

Moving can be stressful, which it definitely was for the first couple of weeks.  Now I'm loving it but I'm still trying to find my rhythm.  It seems that I can only focus on one big goal at a time.  The past 2 months, I've been focused on my health and fitness.  I have totally neglected my writing.  I'm even enrolled in an amazing course, The Conscious Booksmith, that I periodically check in on but I've put off actually doing the work.  I know that I need to do the work, I'm not sure why I'm not.  I'm trying to sit with it all and not beat myself up and do what I can when I feel the time is right.  This, I'm sure you all know, is not very easy to do.

So as I sit here on my balcony, listening to various construction machinery at 7:30am, I'm just letting it all flow.  Taking one step at a time, starting now by writing this post and hoping that sparks more writing.

"We can choose to start over in this very moment, there is no need to wait for a new year or a new month or a new week." - Madisyn Taylor, Daily OM

Suffering Silently

Dealing with chronic pain over the last year has been eye opening for me.  It has made me more patient, more empathetic and a better teacher.  I have learned how many people suffer with some sort of physical pain every day and do so without a bit of complaining.

Over the years, I was really good at keeping my feelings inside for fear of burdening anyone else.  When my brother died, my parents were concerned because I wasn't sharing my feelings with them, they didn't see me cry.  I got really good at stuffing down my feelings until they exploded in one moment.  When I announced I was getting divorced, everyone was shocked because I was really good at keeping my feelings hidden, no one had a clue anything was amiss.  Slowly, over time, I've gotten better about sharing.  Maybe its age, maybe its a lot of hard lessons, or maybe its the people in my life.  I think its a combination of all of these things.  I'm no longer afraid to share feelings for fear of burdening people because they want to listen, they want to help.  How do I know this?  Because I want to do that for other people and I have an amazing group of friends who are always there.  Are there times when I worry if they really want to hear me cry anymore over my breakup or cry about the chronic pain, of course I do.  But I am getting better at sharing in spite of my fears.

Even here on this blog, I've shared things I'm planning on doing and then turned around later and changed my mind.  Last post, I told you I was planning to have surgery to get rid of the herniated disc in my back.  I was convinced that was the only solution for me.  Last week, I changed my mind.  I'm trying a different route and if that doesn't work, surgery can always be rescheduled.

What I've learned about sharing stories, feelings, pain, is that there is someone out there who can relate in some way.  I always wonder if people think I'm crazy or annoying but it doesn't stop me from sharing anymore.  They will always think what they want but by sharing my stories, my feelings, my pain, I may be helping someone else who is too afraid to share.  I know for sure that I'm helping myself by sharing.  I'm no longer suffering silently.  I'm actually not suffering at all because the more I talk about it, the more free I feel, if that makes sense.  I'm no longer stuffing my feelings down creating more internal strife.

I guess the point of this post was to let you know you are not alone, you don't have to suffer in silence, you can share your feelings, your fears, your pain and there is always someone willing to listen.

Moving Forward...I'm Ready

Almost three years ago, I moved into this house.  I walked in and fell in love and knew I had to be here.  And for all this time, that tire swing has hung in the tree.  Then one day on a whim, I decided to look at a new place to live.  I've been feeling the pull to make a change and as soon as I saw these brand new apartments, I knew it was time.  That evening when I got home, the tire swing was on the ground, it was a sign.  This house has been a exactly what I've needed, a place where I've learned to be alone, a place where I've fallen in love and healed from heartbreak.  Now its time to move forward to a new home.  It will be the complete opposite of where I'm living now.  Going from 100+ year old house with a yard to a one bedroom brand new apartment in a big community will require some adjustment, but its time for a change.  I'm ready.

For just over a year, I've been dealing with chronic pain, starting in my low back and radiating down my left leg.  I've tried chiropractic care, massage therapy, acupuncture and even resorted to a cortisone shot but nothing has worked.  Even pain meds do nothing.  I finally relented and had an MRI to discover a herniated, bulging disc, was referred to a neurosurgeon and decided its time for surgery.  I've never had surgery nor been a big fan, but decided if it could eliminate this pain with little downside, then its time.  Time to move forward pain-free, I'm ready.

Exactly one year ago today, I met him.  What a difference a year has made.  He helped me re-open my heart, broke it wide open and now I'm ready to move forward, find love again.  I actually have a date tonight.  It seems weird on this day but its time to start again.  No longer afraid to fall and get hurt because I know I can get back up.  I'm ready.

I'm ready...to start again, for little changes and big ones too, to move forward.

Trust

Every year, for the past several, I have selected a guiding word for that year.  Some years it takes a lot of time and thought to select my word.  For 2014, the word actually came to me at the end of 2013.  TRUST became a big issue for me after my breakup and is my guiding word moving forward.  This year has already tested my trust.

*Trust in my instincts and my choices.

*Trust in other people.

*Trust in the Universe, Divine Order, my Angels and Guides

*Trust that its ok to let go and let other people help.

*Trust that everything is going to work out as it is supposed to.

*Trust that I'll find the strength when needed.

*Trust that this is temporary.

Only Love

It has taken me about a month to write about my experience at Serendipity Retreat in Nags Head, NC.  I'm not sure why it has taken that long except maybe its hard to capture  in words.  I was in a very sad place when I arrived at the retreat but it was exactly what I needed at the time...to be surrounded by some of my dearest friends and near mama ocean.  The ocean is so vast and powerful yet can be so calm and soothing, it brings much needed perspective.

This retreat was much different from years past.  I didn't attend any classes, I helped set up the houses for all of the amazing women in attendance, got breakfast ready a couple of mornings, helped clean up after meals and taught a Pilates class.  I also had lots of time to think, nap, relax, get a massage, soak in the hot tub, and just BE.  It was also different because I was in pain, physically and emotionally.  At meals, I felt like I was standing on the outside, watching everyone have these amazing experiences while I was trying to keep my tears in check.  Of course as soon as someone would spot me and come over to check in, all they needed to do was give me one look and the tears would flow.  I can vividly remember two instances where women who had been in my place and were now on the other side (they are back with their loves) gave me one look and I couldn't hold back the tears and that made them cry too.  Don't think it was a big cry fest because there was alot of laughter too!  But for me, the shedding of tears was more common that not.  That's what I needed though, to move through the sadness.  And this was the safest place to do that.  There were no judgements, only love and support.

When I arrived home, the sadness intensified, if you can believe that.  Although if you've ever been to a retreat, the return home can be difficult.  Perhaps its because I was no longer surrounded by all of the support and it was just me, alone with my thoughts.  Today though, I'm happy to say that, for the most part, the sadness is gone, although there are still moments...like right now writing this post.

What I really want to share though is that I opened my heart, really opened it for the first time since my brother died.  Yes, I was married and in other relationships but I kept a part of me closed off, a part of my heart protected, because I never wanted to feel that kind of pain again.  It took me a long to time to open it up and when I did it was wonderful.  Yes I got hurt but I also experienced such joy.

I still love him and I think I always will, because what I'm finding is that although there has been alot of sadness, there has been no anger, no regret, there has been only love.

Not Alone

On Monday morning as I was leaving my house, I noticed a bird in the road on the side of my house.  When I looked closer, I saw it was a hawk.  Now I don't know about you but I've never seen a hawk on the ground.  He was just standing there and as I pulled up to him, he hopped off the side of the road into my yard.  He didn't appear to be injured so I went on my way.  When I arrived back home, I looked all over the yard to make sure he was not in fact injured.  He was nowhere to be found.  I headed out yet again to meet a dear friend for lunch.  I pulled into my driveway and there was the hawk in my neighbor's yard.  I got out of my car and walked over to him.  He proceeded to hop in the road so I stood there to make sure no cars hit him.  I kept walking closer and closer to him.  I snapped a couple of pictures because I just had to capture this moment.  When he didn't move, I started talking to him, asking him if he was ok.  After what felt like forever, he decided I got the message and he flew off, with that big beautiful wingspan.

Hawk is a messenger of the spirit world.  They are protectors and visionaries.  So I choose to believe he was sent to me to tell me that everything will be OK and that I am not alone.

I must admit, the first person I wanted to share this sighting with was him and I couldn't and that was really really hard.  Honestly, I've been on an emotional roller coaster and this was just one of those moments that was amazing and sad all at the same time.  But that is life right?  Good, bad, happy, sad...we all deal with a myriad of emotions on a daily basis.

We're not alone...we are all here doing our best.  I know someone sent me that message loud and clear with a visit from a beautiful hawk.

No Regrets

My friend who introduced us said now she's sorry she did.  I told her please don't be because I don't regret one single minute of it.  How could I possibly regret meeting such an amazing man?  I fell in love, why should I regret that?  I truly opened my heart for the first time in 24 years.  I allowed myself to be vulnerable and experienced such joy.  We got along so well and had such great times together.  How could I possibly regret any of it?

Oh don't get me wrong, I am sad, so very sad.  And heartbroken, oh yes.  But regret is not one of the things I'm feeling.  My heart is still telling me that this is not completely over, that this is not the end of our story.  Right now, he is doing one of the most loving things for himself and I can't be angry at that.  Of course I wish I was by his side helping him deal with it all but that's not what he wanted and in the end is probably not the best for either of us.  It hurts, believe me, but I have nothing but love for this man.  He opened my heart and for that I am forever grateful.  I still love him deeply and I can't imagine that ever changing.  Only time will tell how this story unfolds, but I can tell you with absolute certainty that I will never regret any of it.

Today ~ Trusting

Today I am trusting...

that my heart is smarter than my mind;

in the Universe;

in Divine Flow;

that my angels and guides have got my back;

that this too shall pass;

that LOVE will conquer all.

Today, all I can do is let go and trust.

Morning

When I worked in the corporate world, morning meant rushing around getting ready and flying out the door to make it to work on time.  Usually without breakfast or even a cup of coffee.  I would get all of that at the office.

Now, my mornings are slow and relaxing.  I have time to feed Allie, drink my coffee or tea, eat breakfast, catch up on some emails and Facebook or just stare into space.  As I sit here now, enjoying my coffee, watching Allie groom herself, I can hear the birds chatting away.  They are quite active in the mornings...I often wonder what they are saying to each other.  Is it their morning coffee clutch?  Talking about where the best worms can be found, the cardinals gossiping about those noisy bluejays, the females complaining about having to stay in the nest all night while he was flitting about.  I guess I'll never know but its great to have time to think about what they might be saying.

I often think I should take the time in the morning to sit and meditate...I do seem to have the time.  Enjoying my coffee, listening to the birds and not rushing around before heading out the door to work...this is my morning meditation.

Grief from afar

When I left, she was unhappy with me and hurt, at least I think she was.  I wrote a letter to try and explain why I left.  I still loved her, I just couldn't be married anymore.  We didn't talk for a very long time.  Then one day I just picked up the phone and called, we had a really great conversation.  Over the years, I wanted to reach out but never felt it was my place.  I knew she was sick but I wasn't sure how to get in touch and felt that the communication would be unwanted.  Now its too late, she is gone and I just hope she knows that to this day I still love her.  I never stopped loving her.  She was an amazing woman.  I admired her for her strength and her perseverance.  Even though we weren't in touch, I never stopped thinking about her.  I would like to think that she and my brother will finally meet and share some good laughs.

Its an awkward place, the world of exes.  How does one react to such a loss when you are no longer in touch, when everyone has moved on and there are no kids to connect you?  I wasn't sure what to do, is it appropriate to send flowers, a card, or a donation in her name.  Then I received an email from my ex-husband telling me of his loss which was, I must say, a surprise but very much appreciated.  I felt like that gave me permission to let the tears flow...and to acknowledge that his mother was still special to me even though we long since parted.  So I did send flowers and I will make a donation and I did send him my deepest sympathy.  And today as they say their goodbyes, I am sending the family my thoughts and prayers.

Lesly is one special woman and she will be missed by many...including me.

Where has Summer Gone?

Its the end of July and I'm sitting here pondering what I've been up to since my last blog post.

I've been working, of course...teaching Pilates and now TRX...and I really love working with our amazing clients every day.

I've spent a few days at the beach with family that I only see once a year at the beach...we need to do something about that!

I've gone for a motorcycle ride just to get ice cream in the country.

I've been eating out and enjoying alot of wine...and its evident on my waist line!  At least its good wine...and good company!

I've been falling more and more in love with my boyfriend every day.  The more time we spend together, the more I want to spend together.  Oh don't get me wrong, we are still navigating this relationship thing and the challenges that come with it but I couldn't ask for a better man to help navigate.

I've been paying attention to the signs.  Like when "Freebird" plays at the exact moment I'm on the verge of getting upset about something...its my brother reminding me to chill the "F" out and let it go!  And he's really been sending me the signs lately.  There's the feather I found on the beach after taking our family photo...a sign from either my brother or grandmother reminding us that they are there.  I love getting these little messages.

I've been 'voxing' with my girlfriends and getting to know them even better.  If you haven't checked out Voxer Walkie-Talkie (iphone app)...do it...its an awesome way to keep in touch with your friends especially if they are spread out all over the country!

I've been spending more time BEing in the moment instead of trying to keep busy DOing things.  As my boyfriend wisely said one lazy weekend...we need to spend more time being and less time doing.  Its kind of sticking with me.

So what have you been up to this summer?

I've wanted to tell you...

I've been on an unplanned hiatus but I've wanted to tell you...

That spending a weekend in Myrtle Beach during Bike Week was a ton of fun.  Lots of time on the back of a motorcycle to think and enjoy the views.  Lots of time with new and old friends, lots of people watching and most importantly, quality time with my love*.

That road tripping with my bestie, her hubby, his son and their dog, was AMAZING!  Seeing parts of the country I've never seen before with my best friend is priceless!  Staying in these little towns and meeting interesting people was just awesome.  Like the Harley dude who pulled into a rest stop we were at because he saw me in my cowboy boots, skirt and cowboy hat and had to see what we were doing.  We chatted with him for quite awhile.  Or our waitress who had moved to the little town of Pipestone Minnesota from San Diego because she wanted to experience seasons and she met a trucker who was on the road all the time and offered her a place to stay.  Or our bartender Toni who made a mean dirty martini and owns 14 dogs and is a sled dog racer (is that what they're called?).

That my best friend got to meet my boyfriend in Wisconsin because he flew up to meet us and we all had a great time.  He loved them and they loved him.  Of course it helped that he had already made a good first impression by sending us a bottle of wine when we were in eating at the Peppermill in Valentine, Nebraska.  Yes he is a very thoughtful man.

That fish bowls are pretty fun and the fish really tasty!

That I can't wait for another Road Trip.  This time in an RV for an extended period of time!  I love seeing parts of our country from the road on little two lane highways or dirt roads (yes there were a couple of dirt roads) and meeting new people and hearing their stories.

And most of all I've wanted to tell you that life is good...really, really good!

*yes you read that right...he calls himself bachelor #6...I don't think I will ever live that down!

Your beautiful heart

Run my dear

From anything

That may not strengthen 

Your precious budding wings.

Run like hell my dear,

From anyone likely

To put a sharp knife

Into the sacred, tender vision

of your beautiful heart.

 

~ Hafiz

 

I may have shared this here before but felt moved to do so again.

 

Moving Slow

If you've been a frequent visitor here, then you know about my dating shenanigans.  You read about the 7 dates in 10 days, the blow off via text message and then deleting my online profile.  During the online dating trial, I met someone through a mutual friend.  She'd been trying to get us to meet for about a year and we both, separately, kept saying no, just not ready.  When we finally met, in the midst of a bunch of first dates, I thought he was nice but would just be a friend.  Someone to grab dinner with or a glass of wine, with no pressure.  Fine by me!

Well the more time we spend together, the more we learn about each other, the more we like each other.  I can't remember the last time things have moved slow and developed naturally, no forcing, no trying to race to the end, just taking things one day at a time.  I really like the pace and I really like him, more each time we get together.

I honestly don't know where things are going and I'm not getting ahead of myself.  I'm trying to be present in each moment and enjoy it for what it is.

Leaning In

On Sunday, I went for my first ride on a motorcycle (and helicopter for that matter) in a very, very long time.  As we went around curves in the road or made a turn, I didn't even think about it, my body just leaned into it.  Because that's what you do on a motorcycle, you lean into the turns and the curves.

I keep thinking about how I can embrace this in my life.  Lean into it, instead of fighting it or doing things that I think I 'should' or 'should not' be doing.  See how it feels to Lean In, to embrace THIS life in THIS moment.  Don't look too far into the future or back into this past.  BE in the moment and lean into it.

On Being Alone

Most days I enjoy being alone.  I like coming home to a quiet house, well except for one very whiny cat.  I can eat the almond butter out of the jar without worrying about double dipping.  There is no one home waiting for me so I don't have to check in with anyone if I'm going to be late.

And yet, I miss having someone to check in with if I'm going to be late.  I miss coming home and having someone to share my day with and to hear about theirs.  I love my quiet Sunday mornings but they would be more enjoyable with someone here to share coffee and read the paper side by side.

If you've been reading lately, you know I decided to do the whole online thing to get back out into the dating world.  I have since decided to deactivate my online profile.  It was beginning to feel a bit 'yucky', for lack of a better word.  I may go back to it but for now, I'm taking a break.  I was beginning to see old patterns emerge, feeling a bit like I was desperately seeking someone.

So for now, I will come home to a whiny cat, eat my almond butter straight out of the jar and enjoy by Sunday coffee and paper solo.  I know I will meet someone...it will happen at the right time...until then, I am just fine being alone.

Responsibility

Why is it that some people feel we 'owe' them an explanation for our decisions?  We all have choices.  We can't make someone do something or share something they aren't willing to or don't feel is necessary.  We can only choose how we react to their decision.  We can hold on so tight to our need for an explanation that we don't move forward or we choose to let it go and move on.

It is not my responsibility to make you feel better about my choices.  Just like its not anyone else's responsibility to make me feel better about theirs.

And so it goes...

While you're on vacation in sunny CA, you text message frequently.  Fun, flirty little messages.  When you get home, you actually talk on the phone and set a date for Thursday.  You're nervous and excited but try not to think too much about it.  Then there's car trouble so you postpone the date until Friday.  Still all good as you have a great conversation on the phone and you get to go have dinner for your brother's birthday that you didn't think you'd make.  Friday morning comes and you're looking forward to the evening.  You teach a private first thing then when you're done, check your phone for messages.  There's one canceling the date with no explanation except "I'm sorry".  Of course you have to ask if you're being blown off just for tonight or for good.  The answer that comes back is surprising and yet not really. The way it is all communicated via text message, well that's the hard part.  Something like this should have been done with a phone call but then that tells you so much about him.  One little text message tells you the measure of the man.

When you reach out to your girlfriends, you receive amazing support and love, which is no big surprise.  When your mother asks how the date went and you tell her the saga, she replies with one word, "asshole".  When you go out for drinks with your girlfriend, you realize that this is just a little blip in your life.  In the end, he wasn't the right one for you, which you knew already, even though he did make you laugh alot.

So you rethink this whole online dating thing.  It feels so unnatural and yet how else do you meet people these days?  And you realize that nothing has to be decided today.

7 Dates in 10 Days

Yes you read the title correctly...7 dates in 10 days.  The title was suggested by my friend Charlie who said that I HAD to write about my dating adventures.  So here's the lowdown.  I've been having fun!

Yes, dating can be FUN!

I think its all about the expectations.  For the most part (I'll get back to that later), I have gone into this with very little expectation that anything will come of it all.  I needed to get back out and meet new people so that's what I've focused on.  And I have met some very nice, super interesting people.

Date 1 was an Opera singer in his early days, we slugged through the mud on a trail with his dog and learned more about each other.  Then sat for a couple of hours and had some really interesting conversation.

Date 2 was retired from the same industry I used to work in, construction, and was super nice but just didn't have too much to talk about.

Date 3 was a Scottish lad who was super smart and thought pretty highly of himself but again, very nice guy who was totally into his son who I could see he adored.

Date 4 was on Valentine's Day.  Talk about a recipe for disaster.  Instead it was the best date of the week, we laughed and talked for hours.  We've since had our second date, more on that below, and are working on our third when I return from CA.  Taking it slow and seeing where this goes...stay tuned

Date 5 was retired Navy who worked in Intelligence and travelled all over the world.  Another super nice, interesting guy and a total gentleman.

Date 6 was more of a get together with a couple friends who have wanted me to meet their neighbor for years.  The four of us drank alot of wine and laughed and talked and then I don't remember much else...it was A LOT of wine!  Another nice, very interesting guy but, I'm sure much to my friend's dismay, there wasn't really an attraction there*.

Date 7 was a Law Professor who got his Phd from Oxford, was a Rhodes scholar and really, really smart!  Very interesting conversation, what I understood of it, and super nice guy.

Then there is bonus date 8 which was with Valentine's day guy.  This is where expectations creeped in a bit...and the nervousness too.  What if the attraction that was there when we first met was all an illusion, what if we didn't have anything to talk about, what if???  As I said earlier we have a third date scheduled so those what if's were a non-issue.

There have been many messages on the dating site that I have not responded to because the notes did not seem genuine or more than one word.  It can be quite daunting to sort through the profiles that have some substance and those that lack detail.  I almost feel sorry for those people who aren't sure how to write a profile, have trouble expressing themselves and unsure how to reach out and have a meaningful conversation.

Over the past couple of days I've wondered if there was an opportunity to start a dating service for normal, every day people just looking to find love that was more personal than a dating site but way less expensive than a matchmaker.  Or maybe just to help people write their profile and coach them on how to compose an email that will get someone's interest and then how to behave on a date.  Maybe I'm crazy but I keep thinking about it.  What do you think?

So that's the latest on my dating adventures.  I'm pretty sure the first dates will slow down as I explore things with Valentine's Day guy (not ready to share any names at this point) and we'll see how things progress.

If anyone needs help navigating the dating world, let me know...I've got a little experience under my belt now!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

*since this post, I have spent alot of time with Bachelor #6 and the attraction grows more every day.  So I guess you need to give somethings a little more time...

I'm Learning

I'm learning that...

Letting go of expectations may be the most freeing thing ever!

I can say Thank You when someone pays me a compliment.  Not Thank you, but...just Thank You.

Letting go of old patterns doesn't always happen overnight.

I can ask the Universe for something that I want, and I'll get it.  Just be careful what you wish for...

Even though I may no longer be in contact with someone, I can still have an impact on them.

I'm kind of having fun with this online dating.  I'm having interesting conversations and meeting some nice people.  I don't respond to all the e-mails, especially ones like this..."Hi. I am Peter new at this site here you? You are pretty hot. Wanna chat?" especially when he sent the same message when I first joined the site about a month ago.

Every day, I'm learning something new.