This photo of Allie starting longingly outside sums up how I was feeling this winter. Wanting to be outside but yet needing my solitude. Wanting to hide yet to be seen. It was a contradiction on so many levels. I wanted to start dating again but didn't want make to much of an effort. Then when Spring came, something shifted, I wanted to get out and play more. So I started the online dating again, started hanging out with friends more, started walking and getting outside more and feeling social again. Then Summer showed up and I felt like hiding again. Not that I didn't want to be outside or with friends, but I got discouraged with the online dating. I saw two ex-boyfriends that got me thinking about my choices in life. So I went into reflection mode, although I do that all the time, somehow it felt different this time. I unsubscribed to the dating sites, I stopped dating anyone and cleared out my social calendar. I sat by the pool by myself, avoiding the social activity happening on the other side. I needed my solitude. This past holiday weekend though, I went down to the pool and actually felt social. I met new neighbors, I reconnected with some old neighbors, one even told me he was happy I was out of hiding, and I really enjoyed myself. I even met some single neighbors, so we'll see what happens there. I feel more open to possibilities, more open to life, and more open to love...
Then yesterday, I had a past life reading which was fascinating to say the least. And if you don't believe in that stuff, that's cool, but I do and so am totally blown away. I'm still reflecting on all of it...a Revolutionary War soldier (for the British), a French courtesan...all had interesting lessons. The first life was the most incredible though and that is the woman I have been working to reclaim, without even knowing it! I'm not going to share too much about her but just knowing that she was a strong, intuitive, secure Elder woman who was an equal with the men in her tribe, well that gives me an inner strength. She was a storyteller too which of course has me thinking more about my writing. The more I reflect on her, the more I see myself coming out of the shadows and reclaiming that part of me. I feel like I've been hiding too long...it's definitely time to let go of the fear, trust myself and live THIS life to the fullest.