Off-Kilter

Definition:  not in perfect balance; a bit askew

I've been feeling a bit off balance the past few days.  I can't put my finger on why.

Things are good.  I'm getting settled in my new home and have turned in the keys to the old one.  I leave the house in workout clothes every day.  I'm picking up more private clients at the pilates studio.  I've been asked to coordinate an art workshop for girls.  I have all kinds of flexibility with work.  What could be wrong?

Maybe its that I may have a mouse in the house and while one mouse I can live with...a family of them...not so much.

Maybe its that I am busier now than I was while working full time and the month of May has really flown by.

Maybe its that I did yardwork on Saturday and am feeling sore in places I haven't in ages.

Maybe its that while I know the light overpowers the dark, I need to be ok with a little dark once in awhile.

Maybe its that May is always a tough month.

Maybe its that my birthday is coming up and I'm turning 44...nah, I like birthdays and I don't feel my age...can't be that!

Whatever "IT" is, I need to be OK with not being ok all the time.  This too shall pass, I need to let go of trying to fix it.

The Day After

Dishes and glasses are put away, bedroom is in some semblance of order but the guest room...total disaster...and for the moment, I am ok with that.

Mantra for today:  One minute, one box, one step at a time.

Slowing Down

The beginning of May has been a whirlwind of activity.  May 1st was spent running around briefly visiting friends who were in town from PA then off to VA for a family gathering celebrating my Aunts birthday.  May 2nd was spent running down to Greensboro to sell my china then back to Durham for lunch with a friend then running some errands then to the pilates studio, to the new house, then back to the studio for a private and off to the apartment to pack.  May 3rd was spent running to get some work done, back to the new house to finish the paint, to the pilates studio, Lowes, then home to attempt to finish packing.  So far, May has been about frenzied activity.

Today I am choosing to s l o w  d o w n.

Yes, I was up and down all night with thinking about the move and then the wicked thunderstorms and rain kept waking me up.  When I finally decided to quit fighting and just get up, I snuck on to FB and found a podcast by Marianne Williamson.  I listened as I puttered around and it gave me a sense of peace.  I can choose to react however I want.  I can get caught up in the frenzy or enjoy the ride (that was not her message but that is what I chose to take from it at this moment).

Yes, the movers will be here in about an hour but I have packed all I will pack for now.  They will take all the boxes and furniture and clothes in the closets and move them to my new home.  I will come back here later to get Allie and some other stuff I need.  But I don't have to vacate the apartment until May 31st, so why am I in such a rush?  I think it has to do with all of the changes I have been making in my life the past few months.  Maybe if I keep rushing I'll get "there" faster.  When will I learn?  Its one day at a time, every day is part of the journey and the path can veer in different directions.  So slow down and really enjoy each day.  Quit rushing to the next thing.  Let go.

Today I choose to slow down.  What will you choose today?

Stuff, Stuff and More Stuff!

How can one person possibly accumulate so much stuff?

I was just packing my closet and had a little meltdown...ok...I really just sat there muttering to myself...'it is ridiculous how much stuff I have'...over and over again.  Its crazy.  I purge stuff on a pretty regular basis, I've been selling a few things on ebay, and have already taken a carload to Goodwill.  And yet...still more stuff.

I admire those people who have pared down their possessions to 100 things.  I think I would need a professional organizer to help me get to that point because obviously I have a problem doing it on my own.

Ok enough of my whining...back to packing!

Morning Zen

My new lease starts today and I move later this week.  But before moving, i just had to paint that master bedroom.  Could you imagine waking up every day to that bright yellow?  Talk about a wake up call.  So yesterday I spent the afternoon painting it Morning Zen...yes that is the color name.  I got a late start and had a few visitors throughout the day but I got the main room done.  There is a little entryway that still needs paint and some touch up but when you hit that wall, you just have to stop.

I've never thought of painting as meditation but thats what it was for me.

Here are a few more photos of the inside of the house.  Will have to get some exterior shots next time.

I AM - the documentary

[youtube http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PeqB8JwpdE4&w=640&h=390] This week I happened to be home one afternoon before heading to pilates and turned on the Oprah show to see who her guest was.  It was this hollywood director, Tom Shadyac, talking about living his truth, moving out of his huge mansion into a double-wide trailer and making this documentary.  He was searching for what was wrong in the world and as you can see from the trailer found out what's right.  This interview really touched something in me.  And as you may know from my last post, I quit my job.  It had been rolling around in my head for a quite awhile but I couldn't pull the trigger.  After watching this interview, the voice got louder and more persistent so a day or two later, I had the conversation about leaving the family business.

Its a powerful thing when you can share with others who may be questioning their path and they see you make a change.  Maybe you give them a little bit of courage to really live their truth.  Or you watch a video like the one above and it touches someone's life.  I often wonder about this blog and if anyone is listening or reading and then I get a comment that makes me realize why I do write here.

There was another group on Oprah that day called Invisible Children.  Its a group that was formed by 3 guys who travelled to Africa and discovered some horrible atrocities and  they are doing something about it through their non-profit.  Tomorrow, April 25th, they are asking for everyone to observe 25 hours of silence to end 25 years of war and to raise $25.  I don't think I can observe the 25 hours of silence but am committed to donating $25.  If you feel so moved, you can donate or raise $25 too.  After watching their video, you will be compelled to do something.

Leap of Faith

Today I effectively 'quit' my job.  This is weird to say because I work in our family business.  How do you quit your family business?  Well if you no longer feel you're a fit, then you just make the decision to do it.  Oh yeah like it was that easy. It's taken me a long time to make the break.  A few months ago I went part-time (30 hours/week) but that was just an interim step.  I knew I needed to do this but its so much safer to stay.  I mean a guaranteed paycheck, health insurance and other benefits of being in a family business...not so easy to give up.

I don't have another 'job' to go to.  I don't want to work for someone else.  Its time for me to figure out my path.

Now I'll have more time to finish my pilates certification and focus my energy on what I really want to do when I grow up.

Its time to take a leap of faith...and just hope the net will appear.

I Am

Warm wind blowing
Bird Sitting, Staring
Wanting to tell me something
What is it I ask
Tears come to my eyes
He's staring right at me
Seeing me, hoping I can see me too
I do see the beauty in me
My kindness, my strength
and yet
why is there fear to admit these things -
the need to apologize.
I'm not saying I'm better than
or prettier than or smarter than
or stronger than.
Just that I AM ME
Perfectly Imperfect.

Solitude

I will be spending time by the sea doing some soul searching.  I have no agenda, no plans, no expectations no one to answer to but me.  This will be my first vacation completely alone and I sure hope I like my company.

We'll see what comes of this time away.

I'm not sure when I'll be back in this space and what I will have to share.  I want to Thank You for your comments on my last post ~ they were so thoughtful and supportive.  I appreciate it more than you know.  And if you didn't see my update, I did get the house to rent starting May 1st and I am so excited!

I hope that whatever you are wishing, dreaming, manifesting, comes true for you.

Quiet

I may have been quiet over here, but I've been busy.

Working on me.

Letting go of those patterns that no longer serve me (or at least trying to).

Letting go of keys to my past.

Letting go of Facebook.  I do miss my connections there but I don't miss the time sap.  I had no control when it came to FB, so it was time to take a break (I only disabled my account, haven't had the courage to cancel it all together).

Letting go of stuff...lots and lots of stuff.  Yard sales are hard work but its good to see your stuff go to someone else who will enjoy it...or, in some cases, hoard it which kind of creeped me out.  The stuff that didn't sell went to charity.  I am on a roll purging stuff.  I even got rid of some old yearbooks and thinking I may just get rid of all of them.  I have kids books that I am holding on to, why?  I think they are next to go...to the library or some other charity.

There is alot of stuff from my past that I've been holding on to.  The "things" are just symbols of that.  Its time to let them go and move forward.

I'm still trying to figure out my path but hopefully letting go will help make the way a little clearer.

And the Winner is....

As promised, after selecting a random number between 1 and 14 (thank you Zoe)...our winner is comment #8 from SimplyBlythe.

Please send me an email at melissa52767@yahoo.com with your snail mail address and this little packet of goodies pictured above will be on their way to you.

Thank you all for the great ideas to incorporate into the new studio space!

State of Confusion (and Apology)

Currently living in a state of confusion

Trying to figure out what I really want

Is it this or is it that?

Am I crazy or in denial?

How do I find this balance that I am craving?

I thought I had it figured out, I thought I had it together...

Turns out, I am just living in a state of confusion.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I would like to apologize for not announcing a winner of the giveaway.  I have not forgotten but life has been a bit topsy turvy around here and I haven't had a chance to put together the prize pack.  I promise to work on it this weekend and announce a winner on Monday.

New House and a Giveaway

Last week was a bit crazy in my neighborhood.  There was a hostage situation and a guy was shot at the bank right near my apartment.  I had been looking for a new house but not really pushing it.  I figured if I put it out there and did a little looking I would find it.  But the day after all of the craziness happened, I called my girlfriend who is also my realtor and told her I need a new home soon!  I made the call from the airport as I was waiting for my flight to NYC where I was off to run with the gazelles.

On Sunday, as I was heading to brunch with the lovely gazelles, I got a text message with photos of a house that just came on the market.  It didn't have a big front porch but it did have a huge detached garage and big hardwood trees in the front and 3 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, a big kitchen and family room and a fireplace.  So she scheduled a showing for Monday.  I knew it was the house that was meant for me, when I walked into the big detached garage (it has 2) and saw my new studio space.  Its the space I envisioned with hardwood floors and a wood stove.  Well it doesn't have those yet but its a wide open space and when I'm done, it will.

I have a lot of work to do to get the house where I want it, but I love a project and it will be fun making it mine.  Of course it helps that I'm in the building business so I already have all the subcontractors on speed dial.  And friends have already volunteered to come help.  So if anyone wants to come visit during April & May, you'll be put to work...just sayin'!

Now to the giveaway.  This is my 101st blog post, so I'm doing a giveaway.  Its going to be a smorgasbord of stuff...all fun of course...and a surprise.  Just leave a comment with one thing I should definitely consider when designing my studio space.

Somedays...

Somedays I feel like I can't find my way in this world and other days I know exactly where I'm going.

Somedays I want to move on to the next thing but I know its all a process, a journey, but that doesn't always make it easier.

Somedays I want to curl up and hide from the world, but then I realize I have to get up eventually, so I might as well tackle each day as it comes.

Somedays I just want to settle for a new house, even if it isn't exactly what I'm looking for, just to get out of the apartment, but then I know I wouldn't be happy so I'll keep on looking.

Somedays I let fear get the best of me and Somedays I kick fear in the ass.

Somedays I wonder how I got to this place and then I realize its all about choices I have made.

Somedays I question everything but,

Every day I am so very grateful for all of it.