Approval

"We don't need to live seeking approval from our parents or others; this can be overcome no matter what your age."

"Most of us come to a point in our lives when we question why we are doing what we are doing, and many of us come to realize that we may be living our lives in an effort to make our parents happy. This realization can dawn when we are in our 20s, our 40s, or even later, depending upon how tight a hold our family of origin has on our psyche. We may feel shocked or depressed by this information, but we can trust that it is coming to us at this time because we are ready to find out what it would mean to live our lives for ourselves, following the call of our own soul, and refusing any longer to be beholden to someone else’s expectations." ~ From the Daily OM

Now its interesting that I received this particular Daily OM in my email today because I had been working on a post about Approval.  When I wrote about a big shift a month or so ago, I wasn't sure at the time what the shift really meant, I just knew it was big.  It took a couple of weeks but I finally figured it out...I realized that I needed to live my life for me and not to garner my parent's approval (or anyone else's for that matter).

I come from a large Italian Catholic family.  For a very long time my grandfather was the patriarch of the family and we were always seeking his approval.  So I think its only natural that I would have constantly been seeking the approval of my parents too.  Not that my parents ever pushed us to do one thing or the other.  They always said no matter what you do, just do it well.  Maybe that contributed to my trying to be perfect.  Who knows?

What I do know is that letting go of seeking approval, or trying to live up to other's expectations, is really freeing.  It has opened me up to new ideas, new relationships, new ways of thinking.  I think we should all try to let go of other people's expectations and see what happens.

There you are

I'd been looking

But wasn't sure where to find you

So I wrote it down and sent it out into the Universe

and knew that you would find me instead

Then one day when I wasn't looking

There you were.

I'd been looking for so long and yet not really long at all

I'm glad I was looking up that day,

because there you were

and I couldn't be happier.

Thank you for finding me.

Unintentional Break

Somehow a week has passed without me posting.  As I look at what has been keeping me busy, the list is long.

  • Spent 6 glorious days with my BFF in CA
  • While in CA, had dinner with several lovely friends and a spontaneous wine party that was just too much fun!
  • Took a side trip to Oregon.  Luckily Christine and I travel well together.
  • Got to meet my new BFF, Tilda...she's a cutie!  By the time I see her again, she'll be a big dog so I'm glad I got some puppy time.
  • Trying to work in Pilates training.  Between meetings, taking class, observing class, and teaching, I have to log 600 hours in 9 months...I have no idea how I'm going to do this...but I will.
  • Started a new relationship that has gone from 0 to 60 in no time.  It is new and familiar at the same time.  I've waited a long time for this so I just have to find the time to spend with him.  Its important.

I feel like I've been running at 100 mph the past couple of months and honestly I don't see a slow down in sight.  If I look too far into the future, I get a bit panicky about how it will all get done.  But if I just take one day, one moment at a time, its much more manageable.  I have to keep myself in check and not let things run away from me.  Sometimes its work but the play usually outweighs that and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Go with the flow

As anyone who I've talked to over the past few months knows, I am planning a move to the west coast next summer.  I always love visiting California and I figure why not, all of my family is on the east coast and I have lots of friends but what was keeping me from making a big move.  I can always travel back and forth.  I mean I live on the east coast and travel back and forth to the west coast so why not the other way around.  My best friend, Christine, is in Cali and I have a bunch of other friends there, the weather is almost always nice and maybe my allergies will take a hike.  I can't think of any reason not to move...until now.  I met someone and although its only been a short time, I am rethinking my big 'plans'.

I'm not making any major decisions to stay or go based on this new relationship but it is giving me reason to stop planning too far ahead.  It is reminding me once again to live in the present moment.

This has all taken me a bit by surprise even though it really shouldn't.  While I was at the beach last month, I took some time to write down all the qualities I am looking for in a partner, mate, significant other and I just somehow knew that he would find me.  I wouldn't have to go on a dating site or anything, we would meet when it was right.  Less that a week later, I met someone in a very unlikely way, when I wasn't looking, who possesses all of these qualities.  Now I'm not saying we're going to spend the rest of our lives together, I honestly don't know where this is going, but I do know that I want to stay in the present and enjoy each moment and see where this relationship goes.

As I sit at Christine's kitchen table, writing this post, the sun is shining in sunny CA, a little chocolate lab named Tilda has her paw on my foot as she sleeps and I think that I could easily live here and get to spend more time with my BFF (and Tilda too).  But for now, I am going to enjoy my visit and not worry about what the future holds.  As several people have told me, California will always be there.

Not to say I won't make any plans...I need to be flexible and go with the flow because you just never know what life has in store for you.

18 going on 40

He would have been 40 today

Instead he will always be 18

I really can't even imagine him at 40.  Would he be married with kids?  Would he be divorced?  Would he be a high school teacher or a coach?  Would we still be as close as we were?  Where would he be living?

I don't usually think about these things.  But today, is his birthdate and those things have come into my mind.  I do miss him every day but today especially so.  Maybe I will get a cake to celebrate or just light a candle.

I will celebrate the fact that he was in my life for 18 years and a part of my heart forever.

Just the Way You Are

Oh her eyes, her eyes make the stars look like they're not shinin'
Her hair, her hair falls perfectly without her tryin'
She's so beautiful and I tell her every day
Yeah, I know, I know when I compliment her she won't believe me
And its so sad, its so sad to think that she don't see what I see
But every time she asks me do I look okay?
I say
When I see your face
There's not a thing that I would change
'Cause your amazing
Just the way you are
And when you smile
The whole world stops and stares for awhile
'Cause your amazing
Just the way you are

-partial lyrics from Just the Way You Are by Bruno Mars

To all my girlfriends...I hope you all know that YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL....Just the Way You Are!

I am...

It has been almost two weeks since I've returned from Squam by the Sea and I am still basking in the glow of it all.  There has been a change in me, an awakening.  It was there just under the surface before heading to the Outer Banks but it is now in full force since returning.  I almost feel like I'm floating through life.  I was super tired today and even in the tiredness, I felt light.

Other people have seen the change too.  There is a cashier at the grocery store who I always chat with and the first day I headed over there after returning from the beach, he just looked at me and said..."there is something different about you...you have this glow about you.  I'm just going to stand over here and admire from afar."  I was really flattered but I also knew what he was talking about.  I could feel the energy emanating  from me.

I am walking taller and more self assured.

I am listening and hearing.

I am accepting compliments.

I am present in each moment.

I am embracing the light.

I am embracing ME.

*you can find more from Michelle Madden Smith here

Soul-Full

Time by the sea with creative, giving, loving, incredible, amazing, beautiful soul sisters.

Laughing and crying.

Dancing and singing.

Creating and spilling.

Connecting and sharing.

Living and loving.

Soul Filling

in the best way possible.

This moment

 

 

I've been quiet here this past week.  I'm not sure why.  I have lots of posts in the works.  I've started writing morning pages as part of The Artist's Way which I'm doing with a small group of friends.  The first few days it was easy to write, yesterday I couldn't do it if my life depended on it.  Today, I'm not ready yet to sit with pen and paper and write.  So here I am and there are so many things whirling around in my head that I want to share, but instead here is a list of things happening today and the rest of this week.

I have a kick-my-butt TRX class to go to in an hour.  I have laundry to do and a house to straighten up.  The lovely Mccabe will arriving on my doorstep this evening and I'm so excited to get to spend some time with her...just the two of us.  Then Jolie joins us Tuesday afternoon.  I got to meet Jolie in person last night after months of just seeing her on Facebook.  She is so lovely and I'm looking forward to spending more time together.  I also got to meet her husband Chris as he was talking about his book The Art of Noncomformity in Durham.  If you haven't checked out his book or his website, click here...its worth reading.

Wednesday we head to the Outer Banks for Squam by the Sea where I get to see so many friends I haven't seen in over a year and others I got to see just last month in NH.  I haven't been to the ocean in a couple of months and I always feel so at peace when I smell that ocean air.  While by the sea, there will be another full moon.  To smell and hear the ocean while feeling the pull of the full moon, surrounded by such beautiful souls...I can't think of anything more amazing.

There are so many wonderful things coming my way, in addition to all of those I've listed above, that sometimes I find it hard to stay in the moment.  Every day, I make sure to take a moment to feel grateful for this life I have.  I look around and see what is around me.  Because while I have a lot of exciting things planned over the next month(s), there is so much good in this.very.moment.

A Love Letter

 

 

Dear Avocado,

I must confess my love for you.  I know I've toyed with you in the past but now I must make a true confession...you are the love of my life.  If I was only allowed to eat one thing all the time, it would be you.  You're shiny green outside and yummy creamy green inside, how can a girl resist you.  I can slice you up on a sandwich, or chop you up in an omelet or just sprinkle a little salt and eat you by yourself.  Of course my favorite thing to make with you as the star is guacamole.  If I had time, I would make it every day but instead I settle for once every few weeks.

I think I love you so because you are a fruit and not a vegetable even though you have to hang out in the vegetable bins.  Fruit is just so much more fun, even if it is good for you, than vegetables.  I mean even saying fruit sounds better.

My day is always better with you in it and if I go a day without a little avocado, well I feel a little sad.

So here's to you avocado, with all my love,

Melissa Tutu

I've learned

 

 

I am constantly learning lessons in life, but over the last year I've learned, no integrated, more of those lessons.

I've learned

I don't need a man in my life.  I do just fine fixing things on my own.

I do need my friends, because without them...what's the point.

Letting go of expectations has freed me up so much and has allowed for all kinds of good things to come in.

Letting go of perfection has done the same thing.

My brothers and sister are pretty darn cool and I love watching them grow into adults.

I don't want to work a 9-5 job in an office, ever again.

I can tell people about what I think are "crazy" ideas and they don't think they're so crazy...and sometimes they want to join me.

People in general are really good...most of the time its just fear that makes them act bad or say mean things.

Things are not always what they appear to be and before judging another person, try walking in their shoes for a little while.

Don't judge others anyway...it isn't my place to do so.

Its not about me.

I've learned that I am loved by so many people who love me for me and I think that's pretty darn cool.  Of course I love them right back because, well, they're pretty darn amazing people!

I am one lucky girl and I am grateful for this life I lead!

So much to say

I have several blog posts started with so much to say.  However, right now, this is all I can manage.  I think allergies have taken me down a bit and my mind and body just want to rest a little.  I know this will pass but I get frustrated when I'm not 100%...but when the body says Stop...we need to listen.

I promise to be back with more insightful posts, but in the meantime, enjoy the fall colors and cooler weather.

Love and Thanks

I try to respond to all comments on my blog but lately I have fallen down on the job.  I read every comment and truly appreciate every.single.one.

This is a BIG THANK YOU from the bottom of my heart for all of the love and support I have and am receiving from all of you.  I am so very lucky to have found an amazing group of friends, near and far, who cheer each other along on our journeys.  I don't know about you, but I feel like this support is getting stronger every day and the cheers getting louder.  I love watching all of the connections and inspirations and shifts and changes going on all around me.  And am so excited to see how it all unfolds.

I love you my friends!

Shift Happens

There are always shifts in life.  Sometimes they are small and barely noticeable and then sometimes they are BIG...HUGE.  Today I experienced one of those BIG, HUGE shifts.  From the outside it may not have seemed so big or significant but inside it felt bigger than any shift I've ever had.

I've been trying to write this post explaining how the shift occurred but its just not something I can seem to put in words.  All I know is that I've never felt an internal shift like this and I feel completely calm about it, exhausted, but calm.

Things are moving forward, evolving and that is a good thing.

Ready

I am ready to move, to fall in love, to live by the sea, to write a book, to travel across this country, to start a whole new career, to make big changes and little ones too.  So much I want to do and experience and live.

I am ready.

Seen

I've been trying to write this post for several days now.  How do I sum up why Squam Art Workshops is so magical and why I have gone the last 3 years?  Ok the first year I went because I was 'pressured' to go but soon fell in love and couldn't wait to go the next year.  Thank you Christine!

So what is it about SAW that keeps drawing me, and so many others, back every year?

  • The cabins in the woods by the lake with only a wood fireplace to heat them on really cold nights.
  • The long dirt roads that you need a flashlight to navigate at night, unless there is a bright moon to guide you, and where I've never felt safer.
  • The homemade waffles for breakfast, and all the other amazing food that the RDC staff makes for breakfast, lunch and dinner too.
  • The open arms that greet you at every turn, from old and new friends.
  • Elizabeth who brought all of this together and keeps making it better and better, and who takes the time to talk to everyone even when you know she's got a million things to do.
  • The teachers, oh the amazing teachers, who are so encouraging and bring out the best in you, whether its painting or writing or making a ukulele...and learning to play a few notes.
  • Playing a song on a ukulele that you learned earlier in the day, that night at Coffeehouse, and getting a big round of applause.
  • The cabin dance parties (oh maybe that was just our cabin).
  • The heartfelt talks with your cabinmates...and the goofy ones too.
  • The laughter, oh the laughter, and the tears too.
  • Vendor Night...handmade goods and free beer...I mean what's not to love!
  • Shopping at Wholly Tara (oh that may be just me).

All of these things keep me coming back year after year.  But the thing that makes SAW Magical (at least for me)...I feel seen there.  Seen for who I really am and not what others think I am or should be...but really ME.  And often they see me before I'm able or willing to...it takes me a little longer to embrace it all...but I'm finally there.

This is why I look forward to SAW every September...and why this year I am excited that I get to experience it all again by the Sea in October.  No matter what Elizabeth says, I do think there are unicorns in those woods in New Hampshire...and I believe there will be mermaids by the sea.