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I have so many thoughts swirling around in my head. Ideas for blog posts and my book and yet when I sit down to write, the words fail me. I can't put coherent thoughts on the page. So I write what I can and hope that eventually it will all come together.
In the meantime, more pictures of Allie. She is just too friggin' cute!
Last week I drove down to Florida for a week at the beach with family. I never dreamed it would be cooler there than it would be here but it was and it was beautiful. I always enjoy my time by the sea and this trip was no different. Waking up every morning and looking out to the sea is something I could get used to doing. I feel rejuvenated and ready to go….ok well a little tired this morning from the drive back and a restless night's sleep but still ready to go. Ready to get moving on projects I've been putting off and still letting go of things that no longer serve me….hello control issues. Every time I visit the sea, I come away with a renewed sense of purpose. I can only imagine if I lived closer….hmmmm.
These past two weeks have brought some lessons that I seem to need to be reminded of over and over again because obviously I'm just not getting it!
First, the break-up, which I know deep down was right for me but it was still painful.
Then the very next morning, the discovery of fleas, which by itself would have freaked me out, but on top of the break-up sent me a little bit over the edge. Then finding out that I had to take Allie and disappear for 4 hours while they fumigated the house and having no idea where to go, well I lost it. Its easy to take a dog out for 4 hours but a cat...geez.
Once I got through those 2 1/2 days, I thought great the bugs will be gone and we can move on. Not so fast, now in addition to the fleas, there were roaches and crickets and ants and any other number of bugs coming, literally, out of the woodwork.
At first I freaked out a little but I called the exterminator and they said you need to give it at least 2 weeks for everything to work its way out.
It has now been exactly 2 weeks and I am vacuuming regularly and combing Allie several times a day and still find a few fleas, although they do seem to be a bit more sluggish and easy to drown. I feel terrible for her as I know they are annoying little critters but I'm not sure what more I can do at this point. I can't treat her again for another week or two (and I really don't want to use any more of that Frontline stuff) so combing and vacuuming are my solution for now.
These little pests are teaching me a lesson in patience. I wanted those suckers gone immediately but it doesn't quite work that way. I need to have patience and they will go in time.
They are teaching me a lesson in letting go of control. There are bugs and they will get into the house and I can clean and vacuum and spray and comb Allie and drive myself crazy trying to keep them out but guess what? they were probably here way before we were and they'll be here for a long time to come. Of course this is not a lesson that I have gotten completely...its a tough one to learn. But, these bugs have given me a little reminder that sometimes I just need to let go and let nature take its course. Oh I will still vacuum regularly and treat the house with some natural remedies and comb Allie until I see no more fleas but I know they can come back.
There are still so many other things that I need to let go of and I'm working on it...one flea at a time.
I woke up super early this morning, even by my standards. Up and out of bed before 5:30am. Now there are many things I probably "should" have been doing, like studying or cleaning or folding laundry but instead I made some coffee and plopped down in front of the computer to catch up on email and blog posts. Maybe not the most productive use of my time but hey its my time so what do you really care what I do with it. You don't.
So why do we care so much about what other people think? That's really what we worry about when we think about what we "should" or "shouldn't" be doing...what other people will think. I was asked this question not too long ago, what difference does it matter what other people will think? I thought about it for a second and just shrugged my shoulders and said I dunno. I'm the one in this body living this life, no one else can live it for me. Oh sure alot of people can have alot of opinions of how I should or shouldn't live this life but what do I really care? I am the one that actually has to live it. Just like you have to live your life and why would you care what my opinion is about how you live it. Its just my opinion which is likely based on my own issues, projections, judgements about something that isn't working in my life.
Maybe we are so focused on opinions of others because of how we were raised, this need to please our parents and make them proud. Maybe its our society, we don't want to say or do something that someone else may not like. We want to be like and be liked by everyone. Ok maybe that's an overstatement but you know what I'm getting at.
In my opinion, which you can take or leave, we tell ourselves we should do this because if we don't what will everyone think. Or we shouldn't do this because oh my what will everyone think. Don't get me wrong, I am still guilty of worrying about what other people think. I'm working hard not to and I am aware when I'm doing it. That's half the battle right?
So instead of thinking I should or shouldn't, I'm going to start thinking about what I want and don't want. I listened to a podcast the other day all about 'wants' vs 'shoulds' so this is fresh in my mind and not at all an original idea.
What if we all started focusing more on what we want to do vs what we feel we should do? How different would our lives be? How different would we feel about ourselves?
I'm going to give it a try and I'll let you know how it goes. If you feel so inclined, you can do it do...only if you want...I wouldn't dare tell you what you should do!
When I lived in the apartment, I didn't have enough wall space to hang all of my artwork so some of it stayed in boxes for over a year. As I was unpacking when I moved into this lovely house, I thought there was no way I would have room to hang it all this time either. I did pass on a few pieces but have been able to find space for every piece of art.
The piece above, by the lovely and talented Kelly Barton, was hanging in my apartment but in my guest room so I didn't see it every day. Now it is hanging in my bedroom where I look at it everyone morning when I wake up and every evening when I go to bed. This was one of the first pieces of original art I bought for myself so it has some real sentimental value to me and I absolutely adore it. But...until I hung it up in my bedroom and was lying in bed staring at the wall, cause I don't have cable tv anymore and what else do you do with your time, I had never noticed the two 4's in the painting. Now you may know I turned 44 this year and I've been really pondering on why it feels so significant to me. Then I see these two 4's and reread the message on the painting, "the girl struggled to begin, she wasn't ready for what lay ahead".
Maybe thats it.
I've made some big changes in the last month or so but I know there are more to come. Or maybe its just that I'm taking more notice of the things around me. Really looking at the things, people and relationships in my life and seeing them for the first time. Taking the time to stop and look and really see.
Since May was all about running around and just getting things done. Maybe June is all about slowing down and taking notice. Hmmmm....I think I like that idea.
Whew...I survived the month of May.
May is my favorite month and least favorite month all rolled into one. Its the 'unofficial' start of Summer, the weather starts warming up (although the 90's was not quite what I had in mind), its my birthday month, people are out and about more and seem happier. But its also the month that marks the anniversary of my brother's death so its a bit of a double-edged sword this month of May. This May happened to have been extremely topsy-turvy. There was the big move (although if you look at my new place you would think I've been here way longer than 1 month); then I started to work part-time at the family biz but picked up hours at the pilates studio; there were two graduations...Congrats to Scott and Kate...now its on to working full time and college, respectively; a couple of visitors; yard work; settling in; and relationship changes. So you see why I said WHEW!
I have vowed that June will not be so crazy. So I started the month by taking the morning off yesterday. I felt like such a rebel staying in bed until 7:15 and lounging around in my pj's until late into the morning. I was finally able to get my email set up on my home computer so now everything is in one place and import all my contacts, write some thank you notes and catch up on some blog reading. The afternoon was spent running errands but I didn't feel stressed. It was a great way to usher in a whole new month, a clean slate....although if you really think about it every day we are given a clean slate to do with what we choose. I may have to bookmark this to remind myself of this very point when I feel a bit out of control.
We can choose to start each day fresh (heck each hour if we want) and not constantly fall into the same patterns of craziness or stress. Its our choice...hmmmm...what a novel idea huh?!
22 years ago, my brother John died a week before my 22nd birthday (I don't say that to garner sympathy, its just a fact). I barely remember that birthday. I seem to remember a small cake down at the beach but that's about it. A few years later I was given a surprise party for my 25th then again for my 30th. My birthday tends to fall around Memorial Day so I've spent many years at the beach sharing with the holiday. On my 40th, I had to share a party with my brother and sister as they graduated from high school and middle school respectively. I was happy to be part of the festivities but hey I was turning 40! Then last year, well last year was spent in the ICU waiting room. I enjoyed a lovely lunch with my stepmom and two brothers for which I am grateful but we still had a shadow hanging over us.
So this year, 22 years after the worst birthday EVER, I am hijacking a day in the middle of my sister's graduation weekend (thanks Sis!) and throwing myself a little party.
44 feels like its going to be a memorable year for me so why not kick it off with a little soiree...and I do mean little so sorry if you weren't invited. Although party crashers are always welcome!
Yes this post is a little self-serving but blogs are allowed to be, right?!?
And Happy Birthday to all my Gemini friends....Jenica, Phil, Trish, Beth, Ka-Le (although you're on the cusp)....and to anyone else I forgot. Hope this year is a memorable one for you too!
This weekend, I attended a seminar given by Patricia Cota-Robles entitled "Taking Charge of Your Life". I've been following Patricia for a few years but this is the first time she has offered a seminar here and it was free so I had to attend.
There was alot of information given at this seminar....information on how we have gotten ourselves into the mess we are in and what we need to do to get out of it. It was a bit overwhelming so I won't go into too many details here, but if you get a chance to hear Patricia speak, its worth it.
One of the things I took away from the day, is that the light is so much more powerful than the dark. We did several guided meditations to make our light brighter and to create a 'force field' of light around us to help fend off the negativity. I have felt much more aware of any negative energy that comes my way and have easily avoided it since then.
There was so much more that I took away from this seminar but I'm still trying to figure out how to communicate it here. I do know that there is so much negative energy making its way to the surface at record speeds and I do believe that we do not have to buy into the negativity. We do not have to listen to the news and surround ourselves with negative people. We have a choice in how we react to what we see and hear. I do believe that love and light will save our world...if we all join together.
I will be spending time by the sea doing some soul searching. I have no agenda, no plans, no expectations no one to answer to but me. This will be my first vacation completely alone and I sure hope I like my company.
We'll see what comes of this time away.
I'm not sure when I'll be back in this space and what I will have to share. I want to Thank You for your comments on my last post ~ they were so thoughtful and supportive. I appreciate it more than you know. And if you didn't see my update, I did get the house to rent starting May 1st and I am so excited!
I hope that whatever you are wishing, dreaming, manifesting, comes true for you.
Do you ever wake up at 4am with an idea in your head and you must do something about it that.very.minute? Happened to me this morning. I just had to grab my computer do a little search, buy a couple website domain names and then after said purchase try to fall back asleep only to question whether I spelled empower with an 'n' instead of 'm' in the name. I spelled it correctly. I'm not sure where I am going with this or what I will do with the web address, but it was one of those things I just HAD to do. So I will sit with it, although I already have a couple of ideas brewing, and see what comes up.
Now to the original intent of this post. As you may be aware, I was all set to buy a house that I wrote about here on my blog. I put it out there, I wrote down what I wanted in the house and then I found a house. It wasn't exactly as I pictured it but it was pretty close. I 'manifested' this house, so I moved forward because I got what I wanted I did my due diligence...had inspection after inspection, got windows priced and cabinets priced and even got an architect to draw up some renovations. Then I started looking at the money flying out the window. I had a realization...this was too much house for me. Too much of a project, too much money, too big a house, it had taken on a life of its own and was no longer my project but everyone's project. And I backed out. I did not come by this decision easily. I was actually quite stressed, but about the wrong things. I knew deep down that I was making the right decision NOT to buy this house, but I worried that I would disappoint everyone else. I already had a mortgage in place and the closing set. What would they think? She's a flake, she doesn't know what she wants...you know all the self doubt that creeps in. Of course everyone just wanted what was best for me and no one called me a flake...well at least not to my face.
I still need to find a place to live because this apartment is not a good environment. The slamming doors, barking dogs and screaming neighbors has gotten too much. So I've taken a step back and started looking for rental homes. I go on craigslist daily and check the realtor websites. There are a ton of rental homes, most are out of my price range, and the one's in my price range are typically townhomes or duplexes. I've looked at a couple of those but nothing really inspired me. So I was talking to my friend Barb the other night (Monday to be exact) and I told her I really wished I could find something with character like my apartment I had in Malvern. Oh how I loved that apartment. It was in an old building that used to be a library. It had super high ceilings, beautiful old (and drafty) windows, an exposed brick wall and the back door had one of those bars to open it...like the ones in schools. It was charming. I told her that's what I was looking for around here. On Wednesday, one of the Pilates teachers was in the studio and told me about a place for rent down the street from her...which happens to be on the same street I was going to buy the house...just closer into town. So as soon as I finished at the studio I headed over that way to check out the house and get the phone number. It was a little cottage with a big yard but I didn't notice anything too remarkable. It was in the right location and was cute so I called.
I pulled into the driveway behind the landlord's car and noticed a little sticker on his car..."Who is John Galt?". Well I immediately had a good feeling. I walked in to the house and it had charm....loads and loads of it. It also had a bathroom off the kitchen and very little closet space but it had character. Built in 1902, it has hardwood floors and 2 fireplaces (they don't work but still), it has a really nice yard and a TIN roof! I know...you all want to come over on a rainy day and take a nap listening to the rain on the tin roof. Oh and the woman who owns the house, her brother is the one who is managing it, is a yoga instructor AND artist! So...needless to say, I told him I want the house. It is perfect, well ok there is the problem of the closets, and my dining room table will have to be sold, but it really is what I pictured. I'm waiting for a call today to get confirmation it is mine (fingers crossed), but I'm already thinking about where to place furniture and how to solve the closet situation.
And to think all you have to do is ask for what you want (oh and you are allowed to change your mind). Who knew?
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UPDATE: The house is MINE May 1st!!!
Trusting that I'm exactly where I am supposed to be.
Friends often marvel at how quickly I make changes in my life. Whether it be getting a new hairstyle, which I do quite often, to buying a house in a week to jumping head first into a new relationship. One minute I'm moving to Cali, the next I'm buying a house in NC. One minute I'm making plans to travel cross country (which I still plan to d0) and the next I'm asking for ideas to set up an art studio in my detached garage.
I guess if you look at it you could say I'm flaky, indecisive, flighty, running, searching. My father would say that I don't know what I want...to do with my life, be in my life...he would say I need to make a choice and stick with it.
Maybe I am always searching...to do more, to be more, to experience different things. So last year I wanted to move to Cali, to be near my best friend and like minded souls. This year I am buying a house in NC that needs some work. I've always wanted to rehab a house and now is my chance to do that.
I often wonder why I do not have an aversion to change when I see so many others who really don't like it one bit. Maybe its because of things that have happened in my life and it was just easier to embrace change than fight it. I was talking to my brother the other day and he made the comment that I've been through a lot of crap in my life. This isn't the first time someone has said that to me. I often chuckle because I don't look at it that way. Yes, my parents divorced when I was a teenager, yes we moved in the middle of high school, yes, I lost my brother way too young, yes, I went through a divorce, yes, I've moved quite a bit, changed careers, had other failed relationships...but honestly, who hasn't had a lot of crap in their lives. I look at all of these things and see how they have shaped who I am today. I don't wallow in the past, I look toward the future and try so very hard to live in the moment.
Maybe my life is an example of what 'not' to do...or maybe its to show that you don't have to make a choice and stick with it forever. Its ok at age 43 to start training to teach pilates, buy a house that needs some tlc, dream of putting an art studio in your backyard.
Its ok to embrace change.
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There's still time to enter the giveaway from my previous post. I'll choose a winner on Thursday March 3rd after the home inspection results arrive...so enter by midnight on March 2nd.
New York City is one of my favorite places to visit. I can wander through the streets for hours, window shopping, people watching and getting lost in the city. Most of my trips to the city have been with one or two friends.
This time, I spent the weekend with a herd of gazelles in the city.
Strong, confident, compassionate, beautiful, creative women.
Wandering the streets, ducking into restaurants we'd never visited, snagging the best tables, enjoying good food, great beer, gelato on a cold day, long naps on a red couch, amazing conversations, connection.
Grateful for time spent running with gazelles.
WE HAVE NOT COME TO TAKE PRISONERS
We have not come here to take prisoners, But to surrender ever more deeply To freedom and joy.
We have not come into this exquisite world To hold ourselves hostage from love.
Run my dear, From anything That may not strengthen Your precious budding wings.
Run like hell my dear, From anyone likely To put a sharp knife Into the sacred, tender vision Of your beautiful heart.
We have a duty to befriend Those aspects of obedience That stand outside of our house And shout to our reason "O please, O please, Come out and play."
For we have not come here to take prisoners Or to confine our wondrous spirits,
But to experience ever and ever more deeply Our divine courage, freedom and Light!
~ Hafiz, from "The Gift"
I used to have to set goals in my previous job (which I always put off) but I've never been fond of setting them in my personal life. For some reason, this year I want to write down my 'goals' for the year. So I looked up 'goals' and the synonyms in the dictionary, I choose to call them Aspirations instead. Goals sound so corporate to me. Aspirations sound more dreamy and artsy.
My Aspirations for 2011
This is not a 'must do' list, so I'm sure it will evolve over the year, some things getting done, others being pushed back or changed, new things added and some of them removed. An ever evolving list of aspirations.
If you have a list of aspirations, goals, dreams....whatever you choose to call them....please feel free to share them here.
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Since everyone is questioning canned ham...here is a canned ham...http://cosprings.craigslist.org/rvs/2114485676.html
Don't focus too much on the future and
Don't live in the past.
Be in this moment.
So hard
And yet sometimes so easy.
Plan for the future but
Don't lose sight of today.
Life is short but
plan as if you'll live forever.
Save for tomorrow but
Live for today.
No wonder we're all a little crazy.
Dear 2010,
I had high hopes that we would have a wonderful time together. For the first few months, things were going along fairly well. I was enjoying our winter and then you had to go and throw a bit of heartache my way. I seem to remember crying for about two weeks straight but then I decided it was time to move on.
In May, a trip to NYC to see the Dalai Lama brought me back to center and I knew things could only get better. The summer brought trips to the beach in Florida and California and a reminder that I need more time with the ocean.
Ah September, after May, you are my favorite month. This year brought a trip to Maine with my BFF, where we ate some of the best food ever, including a lobster roll that was to die for. Then it was off to New Hampshire and Squam Art Workshops. Squam is where I can explore my creative side and where every year I connect with like minded souls. This year was super fun with Band Camp at Squam and the ukulele concert. How do you top that? Well...you go to the Squam by the Sea! I know I've said this before but that time in the Outer Banks was a transformative experience. During my time by the sea, I connected with the most amazing, beautiful souls and we each held open our hearts and shared an experience that still has us all glowing. Conversations around a bonfire or the kitchen island and some late into the night, where we opened up more than I think most of us expected.
I can't stop gushing about that time by the sea because on one afternoon sitting in the sun, I wrote my intention to find love. I knew he was out there and would find me and he would possess the qualities I was looking to find and I knew it would be soon. I didn't realize it would happen a week later!
So 2010, you've provided a lot of good experiences and some great ones! I had plans to move across the country, but you threw me a curve ball that has me thinking of just moving into a house nearby. 2011 has a lot to live up to and I know there will ups and downs but I have a feeling that you, 2010, have laid the foundation for a new year full of great experiences to come.
Thanks for a great ride, even if it was a little bumpy along the way!
"We don't need to live seeking approval from our parents or others; this can be overcome no matter what your age."
"Most of us come to a point in our lives when we question why we are doing what we are doing, and many of us come to realize that we may be living our lives in an effort to make our parents happy. This realization can dawn when we are in our 20s, our 40s, or even later, depending upon how tight a hold our family of origin has on our psyche. We may feel shocked or depressed by this information, but we can trust that it is coming to us at this time because we are ready to find out what it would mean to live our lives for ourselves, following the call of our own soul, and refusing any longer to be beholden to someone else’s expectations." ~ From the Daily OM
Now its interesting that I received this particular Daily OM in my email today because I had been working on a post about Approval. When I wrote about a big shift a month or so ago, I wasn't sure at the time what the shift really meant, I just knew it was big. It took a couple of weeks but I finally figured it out...I realized that I needed to live my life for me and not to garner my parent's approval (or anyone else's for that matter).
I come from a large Italian Catholic family. For a very long time my grandfather was the patriarch of the family and we were always seeking his approval. So I think its only natural that I would have constantly been seeking the approval of my parents too. Not that my parents ever pushed us to do one thing or the other. They always said no matter what you do, just do it well. Maybe that contributed to my trying to be perfect. Who knows?
What I do know is that letting go of seeking approval, or trying to live up to other's expectations, is really freeing. It has opened me up to new ideas, new relationships, new ways of thinking. I think we should all try to let go of other people's expectations and see what happens.
On this Thanksgiving, I wanted to share a few things I am thankful for this year.
Wishing you all a very Happy Thanksgiving!