The last time I posted was back in July! I have sat down at the computer several times to compose a blog post, I'd start but get stuck and couldn't find the words. I would have posts running around in my head but was unable to get the words down on the page. And instead of writing and seeing what comes out, I walked away from the blog and went over to Facebook or Pinterest or someone else's blog to see what they were doing. Is what I have to say really that important anyway? Oh yes, this is where the comparison monsters would come in. I'd read other blogs and see what other people are doing with their e-courses and retreats and offerings and creations, and wonder what the heck I could say that would be so compelling.
Several weeks ago, I went to a retreat in Big Sur, Matrilumina. I was super nervous to attend, because there were all of these amazing women who are doing great things. Why was I included again? Right before the retreat, almost all of these women, who I admired from afar, were voicing their fears about attending too and wondering why they were included. We all felt in some way that maybe we weren't worthy to attend. Oh and then right before I left for CA, I watched this and really wondered what the heck I was getting into. Maya was one of the organizers of this retreat along with my dear friends Christine and Pixie. I had never met Maya before but after watching her TedX talk, I was totally intimidated.
Arriving at Esalen in Big Sur, seeing the beautiful Pacific Ocean, the rocks, the cliffs, the gardens and then the beautiful women, any fears I had about attending, melted away. We gathered, we shared, we cried, we created, we communed, we collaborated, we were introspective and we loved. We all had our journey to this point, we all had lessons to learn, we supported one another and we listened. We were seen and heard in this space.
One of the big things that came up for me, was my voice. I woke up every morning with a little scratchiness or congestion and every day when we gathered and did our work, stuff always came up around my voice. When I arrived home, I immediately had a sore throat and then achy-ness in my body and then the congestion which is now a lingering cough. I felt like every single cell in my body was detoxing old negative patterns, old crap (technical term) that no longer serves me. Oh sure it could have been the flu but it felt like a detox to me. I even had dreams about old relationships that I hadn't thought about in years. Letting go of the past. Letting go of old patterns, of feeling small, of keeping quiet so I didn't upset anyone, of not sharing my feelings, thoughts, ideas, because who wants to hear them. Letting it all go. This has been a work in progress, years of work to shed these old ways, to step into my Truth, not someone else's, to not worry so much about what other people think I should or should not be doing, to find MY voice, to let go of the fear that I might say something that will make someone not like me (oh the horrors).
So what does Finding my Voice mean to me? It means that I will speak my mind, even if you may not agree with me, that's ok, we can have a compelling discussion. It means that if I feel passionately about something, you will hear about it. It means that I will no longer remain small for fear that I will offend someone or that you won't "like" me anymore. It doesn't mean that I will intentionally say something to hurt anyone and it doesn't mean that I will get in a political argument with you (because really I know I won't change your mind). It means that I will no longer do things that don't feel right in my gut. It means I will pay attention to my intuition and follow it every.single.time. It means, that if I go against my intuition and things go sideways that I will learn from it and move forward and will not beat myself up for it. It means that I will share things here on this blog, that you may disagree with or not like, and that's ok. It means that I will live in my Truth and no one else's.
I am finding my voice and you can choose to listen or not, that my friends is up to you.