Home

Sitting on the beach alone, surrounding by large groups of people.  Children running back and forth splashing in the waves, digging in the sand.  People laughing and chatting.  Its all white noise to me, all I can hear are the waves crashing in.  All I can see is the gentle rocking of the waves.  Its my meditation, its like home to me.

A Picture is Worth a Thousand Words

I seem to have a disconnect somewhere between my brain and my mouth.  What I'm thinking just isn't coming out right.  I've noticed it in my teaching this week and I've noticed it here.  There are blog posts rolling around in my head but that disconnect is making it hard to get it out here.  So, instead of getting super frustrated, I've been getting my camera out every morning and playing with manual focus.  Although not all of the photos above are taken in MF, several are and I really like those photos best.  These photos summarize where I am these days.  Hopefully soon the words will match the thoughts.  Until then, I'll keep waking up early, taking photos and seeing what comes next.

Celebrating

Today I am celebrating my 45th Birthday.  I don't feel 45 but really what does that feel like?  I'm in pretty much the best shape of my life, I have a great family, wonderful friends and I'm happy with this life.

Reflecting on this past year, I have spent a lot of time learning to enjoy being alone.  And for someone who is pretty social, that has been a challenge.  Of course I still love to spend time with friends and family, but its no longer lonely or scary to be alone.  I actually quite enjoy my company.

So today, I have no plans, no agenda, and nowhere to be.  I may spend time with some friends and I may not.  I like not knowing what the day holds.  I think its a perfect way to begin my 46th year here.

My Story

When recently asked to write a little blurb about myself, I struggled.  What do I say about me?  A 40-something, former Corporate drone who made a career change to a Pilates instructor...single, divorced, lives alone with her cat...I mean what does one write about themselves?

I took a class with the amazing Jen Lee about telling your story.  I remember telling Jen about my brother's death and how I didn't think that was my story, but she looked deep into my eyes and said yes, yes it is your story and you need to share it.  So I've been contemplating a book for a very long time and am still trying to figure out what that looks like.

But...back to my story.   I find it hard to come up with one or two lines to tell  it...sure its easy to tell people what you do for a job or calling but that's not necessarily all that you are.  Then this morning as I was in that space between dreaming and waking, I thought we can choose to change our story...every.single.day if we want.  We have that choice.  We don't have to stay stuck in the story of our past if we don't want to.  Sure there are things we need to work through so we don't repeat that story but it can be done.

So right now, in this moment, what is my story?  I'm just a girl in the world....

...to be continued.

23 years

23 Years goes by in a flash and yet seems so long ago, a lifetime really.  I remember that day like it was yesterday, the tears, the sorrow, the screaming and profound loss.  Yet, so much living has happened since then.  In that moment, you wonder how life could possibly go on and yet it does and you laugh and cry, experience joy and sorrow, have fun and dream.  You travel and stay home, you hang with friends and spend time alone.  You meet new people and let go of some others.  You get married and divorced.  You move again and again trying to find that place to call home.  And through all of this living, you know that he is there with you.  Even though you can't touch him, you feel his presence.  When you are questioning something and you ask out loud what to do, that familiar song comes on the radio and you laugh out loud and say thanks with glistening happy tears in your eyes.

You know that the love is and always will be there and even though his physical body is gone, his soul remains and is doing amazing work and that makes you smile even more.  And you are grateful to have had him as a brother.

Mindfulness

I have been thinking a lot lately about how I am living this life.  I strive to be kind to everyone, even the cranky people because hey I've been there too.  I've been much more in tune to nature lately, and appreciate the birds singing their songs and watch them feeding their babes.  I like to watch the squirrels chasing each other around my yard.  I get teary every time I see a dead animal on the side of the road and wonder if they suffered greatly.

And then I start thinking about how we (as a collective) assume that we have more rights than animals to live here.  While visiting M and P last weekend, P started complaining about the rabbits living under the deck and how they were eating the plants and then how the geese were pooping all over the golf course and they really needed to do something to get rid of them.  I started getting really annoyed.  We cut down trees to build houses and take away the natural habitat for so many animals and then when they come hang out in our yards because they have nowhere else to go, we want to get rid of them there too.  We have exterminators come and spray our homes to get rid of bugs and we spray our yards to eliminate weeds.  I am guilty of freaking out and calling the exterminator immediately when I found a huge wood roach in my house last year and then the fleas.  Since then though I have not had the exterminator back.  I would rather have a few bugs then spray chemicals that could cause even more problems.  I'd rather take the spider outside then kill him because he'll take care of some of the other bugs.  I will kill silverfish though because well they are really creepy!

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that I am being more mindful of how I treat all creatures, humans and animals, insects and arachnids.  Maybe if we start with the little things, like picking up an inch worm and setting him outside, then maybe we build up to taking that spider by its thread and putting him outside too.  There is so much value in all life, we all have a purpose here, maybe we should let the weeds and insects, spiders and squirrels, serve theirs instead of trying to figure out ways to get rid of them.  Then maybe just maybe we can extend that mindfulness to how we treat other people.

Always There

Oh I could have spent hours staring at the ocean, watching people and taking photos.  Instead it was a quick walk on the beach after a lovely brunch overlooking the ocean.  As we were seated at our table, my mother pointed out the window, and said, see there it is rolling in and out, it hasn't changed. Maybe that's why I find such comfort near the ocean, it is a constant.  Yes sometimes it will be rough and other days it will be smooth as glass, but it is always RIGHT THERE.

You Know That Moment...

You know that moment....

When you're walking down the hall at work preoccupied by things at home and you run into someone who has been where you are, you talk about your options and a lifelong friendship is formed right there.

When you receive one of those chain emails and forward it to your best friend, who you haven't spoken to in about 2 years, and just like that you pick up right where you left off.

When you move to a new town, go to a fair with your family, meet this woman with such amazing energy and without knowing it, your life starts down a new path.

When you go to an art retreat in the New Hampshire woods, meet a woman from Boulder, you bond over similar tragedies in life and another lifelong friendship is formed.

When you step out of your comfort zone and reach out to someone who totally intimidates you because they are so enlightened yet once you meet, you know they are going to have a profound effect on your life.

Yeah...you know...THAT moment!

May brings Mixed Emotions

When May 1st rolls around, I get happy and sad and excited and apprehensive. Many different emotions swirl around me this month. I look forward to celebrating my birthday at the end of the month usually Memorial weekend, then there's the unofficial start of summer that same weekend and I have several other dear friends who share a May birthday too.

Then there is the one event that comes right in the middle of the month that brings a shadow over the rest. On May 20th, 23 years ago my brother died.  I try to think of all the good times we had and all the joy he brought to this life but still there is sadness.  I don't dwell on it but its there.  I don't curl up in a ball under the covers and hide away.  I acknowledge the day and the feelings and then move forward.

In thinking about this year, this birthday, it feels more significant than others.  I couldn't put my finger on what it is, I mean 45 is not one of those big round numbers but it kept nagging at me that something is different.  And then on Tuesday as I was teaching my regular duet it occurred to me,  45 is the age my parents were when John died.  I am now the age they were when they faced the most heartbreaking tragedy a parent can ever face.

So now I reflect on choices I've made over the years and wonder if that is the reason, subconsciously, that I never had children or if its the reason I have not had long term successful romantic relationships.  I do know that for years I had closed a part of myself off to avoid that kind of pain ever again.  But I have found that only in experiencing that kind of pain, can you truly appreciate pure joy.

This life is so beautiful and yet is painful too, its amazing but can be so hard.  And if, like me, you believe that when we die, we move on to the next 'level' or realm, then death isn't the end, its just the beginning of a new journey.

So I tiptoe into May with mixed emotions, I'll laugh and I'll cry, I'll feel joy and sorrow and I will embrace every single bit of it.

*you can find Kelly's amazing art at kellybarton.etsy.com

Pursuit of Healthfulness - A way overdue update

It has been a very long time since I've published an update on my Pursuit to Healthfulness, heck its been a long time since I've posted anything here.  I have no idea what I've been doing that I didn't have time to post.

I am getting ready to start the 21 day cleanse again.  Not because I have reverted and started eating unhealthy or putting on the weight I lost.  I'm doing it again because I want to get some new ideas for meals and I want to see if there is anything else I could be doing to eat healthier.  I am also doing it again because I believe in Melissa's program.

So, the update:

  • I have met my weight loss goal and I feel better than I have in years.
  • I weigh myself every day.  I was never a person who liked getting on the scale but I have found that weighing myself every day keeps me on track.
  • I have been eating gluten free bread and avoiding wheat.  I had a craving for this egg salad sandwich that is one of my favorites and I had a terrible reaction.  I'm not sure if it was the bread, the egg salad or the cheese, but it did not agree with me and I will be avoiding it in the future.
  • I have found that its not as hard as I thought to find items on a menu that are healthy but I have been eating out less.
  • I no longer have a sweet-tooth.  Once a month, I do need a little chocolate, but no more muffins, cookies, cakes, etc.  and I honestly don't miss them.

Yes, there are some nights when I get home from the studio and all I can muster is an almond butter and jelly sandwich or veggies and hummus.  I did  have a couple of days where I munched on chips and hummus but I got over that pretty quick.  I had the most amazing pommes frites at brunch last weekend at Vin Rouge and they were totally worth it!

This is a pursuit, its not perfect, its a work in progress.  There are days when its easy, there are days when its not.  Taking it day to day, that's the only way I know how to do it.

Beautiful Day

The weather the past two days has been absolutely perfect.  It has inspired me to take out my camera and just shoot.  These are a few of my photos, no editing, just posted.

Have a great weekend!  Hope the weather is just as beautiful where you are!

Spring has sprung

I have been quiet around here lately.  Its not because I don't have anything to say but I have been getting home late almost every evening and I tend to collapse when I do.  My goal is to come here more often and write.  I am way overdue for an update on my Pursuit to Healthfulness.

I've been getting my camera out more even if only for a few minutes before I head out to the studio.  Of course it helps that all the lovely flowers are starting to bloom in my yard.  Since I wasn't here last April, its fun to see what lovely flowers are here...like the beautiful tulip pictured!

I hope all is well with you.  Please feel free to share what's going on in your world, I would love to hear from you!

Be back soon....

The Pursuit of Healthfulness

Last week I wrote about my latest physical and the need to lose weight and lower my cholesterol.  I received lots of positive comments from you.  A few said I look fine just the way I am.  I appreciate the compliments and I don't disagree with you.  I'm not unhappy with the way I look on the outside, but I am not happy with how I've been feeling physically on the inside.  I've been feeling sluggish and bloated and knew that I was not eating the right things for me.

One of my lovely friends, Karen, and I decided to team up and support each other, and any of you who want to join in, on our pursuit of healthfulness.  We will be posting once a week on our progress (or slip ups) and share any tips, recipes or other things that are working for us.

I can tell you a few things that seem to be working for me since I started last Wednesday.  I have stopped eating bread and sugar and I can already feel less bloating and a little more pep in my step.  Last night I had a holiday party and limited myself to one glass of wine and felt much better this morning for having done so.  I treated myself to a small slice of pizza at the party and immediately felt some bloating in my hands so I know to stay away from that.

I know that what I do to change my eating may not work for you, but one thing that will work for all of us is to listen to your body.  If you pay attention to how you feel after eating or drinking something, you'll know what to avoid or what to eat more often.  That is my advice for today.

Now go check out Karen's blog to see what she has to share.

OK

I walked out in the biting cold to get the mail and had a lovely surprise from Christine.  Its not a big surprise to receive mail from her since she's one of the few who still believes in snail mail.  It was a lovely surprise to receive one of her cards*.  Its kind of funny too because I was seeing pictures of some the cards she sent out and was feeling a wee bit jealous.  I have many cards and notes she sent me over the years, so what in the heck was I feeling jealous about?  As always though, she knew just what I needed at this moment.  I adore this woman and am so thankful for her in my life!

*read about Christine's new tradition here.

Weighty Issues

Its a bit difficult to post this picture above as it was taken 6 years ago at almost my heaviest weight (yes I was actually a little heavier than this).  I have always struggled with my weight which is why it was such a huge accomplishment to complete my Pilates training.

Today I had my annual physical and I have gained about 13 pounds over the last year and my cholesterol was a bit above normal.  I am not near my heaviest weight (or my highest cholesterol number), but still I need to lose the weight.  I've already got the exercise part pretty much down, the eating part is where I need to focus.  Working out and eating properly are the only way I will lose weight.

As soon as the doctor sat down with me today I knew what she was going to say.  She didn't even have to say it, just gave me that look and said you know what you need to do.  I know exactly what I need to do, stop eating out so much and watch the bread and sugar.  Its easy in theory but man I love food so its difficult in practice.

At this point in my life, its not about fitting into a certain size, its about being healthy.  High blood pressure, heart disease and diabetes all run in my family so I know I need to be careful.

I wasn't sure if I wanted to post about my weight issues and that picture, oh my.  In posting about it, I'm opening myself up to criticism and judgements BUT by putting it out there I must now hold myself accountable to get back to a more healthy weight and lower my cholesterol.

I'm going to start a "detox" tomorrow and not one of those lemon water/starvation ones, I can eat real food but cut out bread, sugar, coffee, alcohol and red meat for a week.  Its a doable plan for me and I know if will kick start me to eating better.

I will be updating periodically here on my progress.  Not sure I'll be posting pounds lost on a regular basis but we'll see how the updates pan out.  And if anyone else out there needs a little nudge or support to get healthier, we can start our own little support group.